Hear of a Good One Lately

[Mumbleypeg]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a
visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community
through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show
you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six
children.'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again. 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband
died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and
three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had
no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes
you think I'd give any to you?

[Unk]

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’.

In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner -- it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer,” said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.”

They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while. But then Homer went back to the doctor’s office.

"What’s wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn’t my idea work?”

"Oh, it worked real well," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started!"

[OLDE CUTLER]

I had to laugh when I saw this car in a local parking lot. Note broken suspension and license plate. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here?

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor (Viewer Discretion Advised)

Solving an Engineering Problem
You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.

Procter & Gamble had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty Crest toothpaste boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution– on time, on budget and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package-monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang.”

[Quick Steel]

That sounds as though it could be a true story.

[KnifeSlinger#81]

I had to laugh when I saw this car in a local parking lot. Note broken suspension and license plate. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here?

20190317_104552.jpg

Irony at its finest.

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor (Viewer Discretion Advised)
The Texas Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

GOVT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.

[samb1955]

Good one!

[mrwatch]

ducks,

[Eustace]

Peak of female jealousy:
- Where are you?
- I'm in the car, I'm going home.
- Enter into oncoming traffic to hear horns!

[doglegg]

Ambient sounds effects are always helpful Eustace.

[mrwatch]

their right you know.

[Unk]

Mr. Watch, that reminds me of the attorney's for the 3 Stooges:

Dewy, Cheatem, & Howe.

[royal0014]

When life gives you melons
you might be dyslexic

[mrwatch]

[quote="Unk"]Mr. Watch, that reminds me of the attorney's for the 3 Stooges:

Dewy, Cheatem, & Howe.

also the Car Talk Guy's on NPR radio. Fun to listen too.

[Lansky1]

I don't write this stuff.
Default Re: Everyday Humor (Viewer Discretion Advised)
Suddenly, a cow runs out onto the road, and a limo driving late at
night, hits it head on, and the car comes to a stop. The woman in the
back seat, in her usual abrasive manner, says to the Chauffeur, "You
get out and check on that poor cow. You were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is
dead, but it appeared to be very old. Well, says the woman, "You were
driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over
there."

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full
belly, his hair ruffled, and a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks the nasty woman.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king,
and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.

Well, I just knocked on the door, and when it opened, I said to them,
"I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."

Don't you just love a story with a happy ending?

FIrst laugh of my saturday morning

[samb1955]

Not what I was expecting, better!

[jerryd6818]

The Immigration "debate" has created a flurry of activity in local and national media and we hear many stories that break your heart.

Latinos in Southern California say they are worried by the crackdown on immigration and the potential impact on their families. In an attempt to seek some relief from this terrible situation, one local Latino man posted this note on the White House website:

"I'm terrified that President Trump is going to deport my Latino mother-in-law who is here illegally and lives at 1801 3rd Street, Los Angeles, CA
90023. It's the blue house on the corner, she gets home from work about 6:00 pm."

[Quick Steel]

[Paladin]

Ray

[samb1955]

Now that's funny!

[mrwatch]

Default Re: Everyday Humor (Viewer Discretion Advised)
Guess her age
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends
$15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter
girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big
smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop
on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant
the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I
was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It
sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

[mrwatch]

A plane is on its way to Washington, DC, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the newly elected democrat congress person, who is seated in Economy Class, gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the congresswoman that she paid for Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.

Cortez replies, "I’m a Democrat, I’m beautiful, I’m socialist, I’m going to DC and I’m staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a Democrat bimbo sitting in First Class, she belongs in Economy and she won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to Ocasio-Cortez and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to Economy.

Ocasio-Cortez replies, "I’m a Democrat, I’m beautiful, I’m socialist, I’m going to DC and I’m staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the congresswoman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a Democrat Socialist? I'll handle this, I’m married to a liberal. I speak socialist."

He goes back to Cortez, and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I’m sorry." She then gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss."I told her, 'First Class isn't going to DC.'

[mrwatch]

Default Re: Everyday Humor (Viewer Discretion Advised)
Harley Davidson Sales Decline

NEWS - HARLEY DAVIDSON SPEAKS TO " DECLINING BIKE SALES "
The reasons for the slump in sales at HD are not President Trump's fault.

Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.

A recent study was done to find out why Millennials don't ride motorcycles :

1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.
4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.
6. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.
7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
9. They are allergic to fresh air.
10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.
13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.
17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.
19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.
20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.
22. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor (Viewer Discretion Advised)
My cousin took my 80 year old aunt to find out about a hearing aid. Told the device would cost $900, she thought about it for a moment, then said she didn’t want one.
Explaining her decision, Aunt Jean said, “In all my years, I’ve never heard a conversation that was worth $900.”
************************************************** *
When Dianne found out she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the news. A friend asked her 4y.o. son if he was excited about the baby.
“Yes,” Sam said, “and I know what we’re going to name it too. If it’s a girl, we’re calling her Molly. And if it’s another boy, we’re going to call it Quits.”
************************************************** *
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep”, the husband replied, “in laws”.
************************************************** *
A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
“Now, young man,” asked the dentist, “What kind of filling would you like for that tooth?”
“Chocolate please,” replied the youngster.
************************************************** *
A new study by sleep researchers revealed that one out of every five people snores.
In a separate study, scientists found that four in five people suffer from insomnia.
************************************************** *
DUE TO RISING COSTS AND STUPID QUESTIONS

Answers are now $1.00
Answers without thought $2.00
Correct Answers $4.00


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