Hear of a Good One Lately

[Stanwade]

.

[OLDE CUTLER]

From our local paper today.

[Mumbleypeg]

From our local paper today.

IMG_4105.JPG

Not to worry. If he has a phone on Mars he’ll be getting robocalls offering him a warranty.

Ken

[OLDE CUTLER]

Birds of a feather flock together, and then they crap on your car.

[Quick Steel]

All too true OC.

[Stanwade]

I've been recently diagnosed with kleptomania.. sometimes it's so bad, I have to take something for it

[TPK]

I've been recently diagnosed with kleptomania.. sometimes it's so bad, I have to take something for it

You could save a lot of money. Visit more cutlery stores.

If ya get caught just say, "Sorry, I'll have to cut that out!"

[Stanwade]

I've been recently diagnosed with kleptomania.. sometimes it's so bad, I have to take something for it

You could save a lot of money. Visit more cutlery stores.

If ya get caught just say, "Sorry, I'll have to cut that out!"

[TPK]

I've been recently diagnosed with kleptomania.. sometimes it's so bad, I have to take something for it

You could save a lot of money. Visit more cutlery stores.

If ya get caught just say, "Sorry, I'll have to cut that out!"

[doglegg]

What did Spartacus say when a lion ate his wife?


Nothing, He was gladiator!

[Stanwade]

What did Spartacus say when a lion ate his wife?


Nothing, He was gladiator!

[Eustace]

The coach enters the locker room of the players and says:
- Kodzhaginev, Darvarov, pack your bags! A rich English club buys you.
- Really cool! - They are both happy.
- We were finally appreciated! And which is the club?
- Rоуаl Vаuхhаll Backdoor.
- This is the first time we hear this football club.
- Well, it's not football. It's a gay club...

[Eustace]

If something floats in the food - it's vitamins.
If it sinks - these are minerals.
And if it moves, it's a protein.

[samb1955]

What did Spartacus say when a lion ate his wife?


Nothing, He was gladiator!

That was awfully funny!

[Stanwade]

If something floats in the food - it's vitamins.
If it sinks - these are minerals.
And if it moves, it's a protein.

Andy she's made out of wood---therefore she's a witch .. (monty python)

[Stanwade]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

[edge213]

Ryan, that's hilarious!!

[Stanwade]

Ryan, that's hilarious!!

Right?! My sister texted that to me..

[treefarmer]

Yes Sir, that is hilarious!
Spot on showing the personality of the individuals just as they are before us in our lives and history.
Thanks for sharing this with us.
Treefarmer

[Waukonda]

That may be my favorite entry in this 135 pg thread!

[doglegg]

[orvet]

Just for you Ryan and everyone else who is still pondering the Chicken and Road scenario:

Why did the chicken REALLY cross the road?
To show the possum that it was Actually Possible!

[Stanwade]

Just for you Ryan and everyone else who is still pondering the Chicken and Road scenario:

Why did the chicken REALLY cross the road?
To show the possum that it was Actually Possible!

[Papa Bones]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Why did the chicken REALLY cross the road?
To show the possum that it was Actually Possible!

Down here in the south, that's what we always said. Well until all the Armadillos migrated here. Now, it seems it's a competition between the Armadillos and possum to see who gets run over the most.

[jerryd6818]

My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.

Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes.
Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza....
OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it.
When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside they closed school?
Yeah, Me neither.

I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.

A thief broke into my house last night.
He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Never sing in the shower!
Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.
So remember…Don’t sing!

If 2020 was a math word-problem:
If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

I see people about my age mountain climbing;
I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.”
That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Cronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic.
One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks
and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12,
while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.