Hear of a Good One Lately

[Mossdancer]

An elderly couple were ranchers in Montana. The Husband passed away, after a couple of years of getting further behind!The Old lady decided to advertise for help. Two answers, one from a drunk the other from a gay individual. She thought and then interviewed both the men. Her decision after knowing she did not want a drunk around was to hire the gay fellow. The result was fantastic. He knew all she needed him to know about ranching and the other chores. So after several months she spoke to him saying why dont you go to town this Saturday night and kick up your heels. Her only request was he be in by midnight. He did it, went to town really enjoyed himself. Missed the 12 deadline 1 then 2 arrived at the door about 3A.M.. She met him at the door and led him into the parlor. She sat in her lounge and said take off my boots, he did. Then said take off my skirt, he did. Then it was take off my blouse, he did. She then in a stern voice said the next time you go to town, if you wear my clothes again.
I am going to fire you.
moss

[Mossdancer]

New Dog

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This is Lexi, he’s an 8 week-old German Shepherd.
Just imagine Long hair, waiting to lick your face, Extremely cute



I bought Lexi as a surprise for my husband but it turns out he is allergic to long haired dogs so we are now looking to find him a new home.



He is 77 years old, an attractive and caring man who drives, is a great cook, and keeps a clean house.

[Eustace]

It's so cold that today I saw the Prime Minister, put his hands in his own pockets.

[Paladin]

What temperatures do you have this time of year?

Ray

[doglegg]

Eustace, politicians must be the same every where.

"I reached for my wallet and shook hands with the mayor!"

[Unk]

[Eustace]

Old Bulgarian joke

811th year. After the Battle of the Varbitsa Pass, Knyaz Krum interrogated the captured Nikephoros I:
- Do you have brothers or sisters?
- No, why?
- Ah, nothing ... I was thinking to make drinking cup set ...



Krum feasts with his nobles as a servant (right) brings the skull of Nikephoros I, fashioned into a drinking cup, full of wine.

[Eustace]

What temperatures do you have this time of year?

Ray

Sorry Ray, I did not see your question.
This winter is not very cold and in my city there is still no snow. Something like -5 + 5 degrees Celsius.

[Paladin]

What temperatures do you have this time of year?

Ray

Sorry Ray, I did not see your question.
This winter is not very cold and in my city there is still no snow. Something like -5 + 5 degrees Celsius.

Thank you, sir.

Ray

[Eustace]

After long and unsuccessful attempts to draw the evacuation plan, the engineer Ivanov lit the building to see where people were fleeing.

...........................................................


The inhabitants of a village were sad and sullen.
-Can I help? What is the problem? asked a passing hero.
-Oh, high in the mountain lives a very strong and dangerous dragon. Every month he comes down and eats a virgin from the village ...
-I think I can help you - said the hero, and stayed to live in the village.
In a few months the dragon died of starvation ...

...........................................................


Chemist at Pharmacy:
- Do you have deoxyadenosylhydroxocobalamin?
- Yes, we have. This is vitamin B12.
- Yeah, ever forget his stupid name.

...............................................................


- Imagine Madam, two men are drowning. One is your husband and the other one is your lover. Who will you save?
- And why, the hell, they bathe together?

[Eustace]

A real case from Bulgaria.
Letter from the National Revenue Agency:
Dear Sir!
Please find attached your tax return for 2018 for correction. This is due to the fact that you are not allowed in the column "supported person/s" entry "Government, parliament, state and local officials and several hundred gypsies. "

[Eustace]

Supreme Court hearing. Three judges. Meeting to decide the case.
One says:
- Colleagues, the claimant gave 10,000 euros. Let us resolve the case in his favor.
The other responds:
- No, colleague. The defendant gave 20 000 euros. We have to resolve the case in his favor.
A minute's silence ... Then the chairman of the court panel snores:
- Look now, colleagues ... Let's ask the claimant 10,000 euros more and decide case by justice!...

[doglegg]

Eustace you are on a roll!

[mrwatch]

I don't write this stuff.
Default Re: Everyday Humor (Viewer Discretion Advised)
Suddenly, a cow runs out onto the road, and a limo driving late at
night, hits it head on, and the car comes to a stop. The woman in the
back seat, in her usual abrasive manner, says to the Chauffeur, "You
get out and check on that poor cow. You were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is
dead, but it appeared to be very old. Well, says the woman, "You were
driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over
there."

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full
belly, his hair ruffled, and a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks the nasty woman.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king,
and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.

Well, I just knocked on the door, and when it opened, I said to them,
"I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."

Don't you just love a story with a happy ending?

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor (Viewer Discretion Advised)
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One."

The boss says "Just one?!? Our sales people average sales to 20-30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says "$101,236.65??!! What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him a 4x4 Expedition.

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "

[Mumbleypeg]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a
visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community
through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show
you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six
children.'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again. 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband
died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and
three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had
no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes
you think I'd give any to you?

[Unk]

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’.

In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner -- it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer,” said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.”

They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while. But then Homer went back to the doctor’s office.

"What’s wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn’t my idea work?”

"Oh, it worked real well," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started!"

[OLDE CUTLER]

I had to laugh when I saw this car in a local parking lot. Note broken suspension and license plate. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here?

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor (Viewer Discretion Advised)

Solving an Engineering Problem
You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.

Procter & Gamble had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty Crest toothpaste boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution– on time, on budget and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package-monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang.”

[Quick Steel]

That sounds as though it could be a true story.

[KnifeSlinger#81]

I had to laugh when I saw this car in a local parking lot. Note broken suspension and license plate. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here?

20190317_104552.jpg

Irony at its finest.

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor (Viewer Discretion Advised)
The Texas Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

GOVT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.

[samb1955]

Good one!

[mrwatch]

ducks,

[Eustace]

Peak of female jealousy:
- Where are you?
- I'm in the car, I'm going home.
- Enter into oncoming traffic to hear horns!