this might not be true and it has some language

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tongueriver
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this might not be true and it has some language

Postby tongueriver » Sun Jan 07, 2018 11:56 pm

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
Don't take it out on someone you know,
Take it out on someone you don't know,
But you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying
'Hello..'
I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
To call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed
The last two digits.
After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.
I wrote his number down
With the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
Calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.
One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled
That I'd been waiting for that spot,
But the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said,
'Yes, it is.'
I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked,
'What's your name?'
He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'
I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea...
I called asshole #1.
He said,
'Hello'
I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked,
'Are you still there?'
I said,
'Yeah!'
He screamed,
'Stop calling me'
I said,
'Make me.'
He asked,
'Who are you?'
I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 oak tree Blvd., in Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
And hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.

He said,
'Hello?'
I said,
'Hello, asshole,'
He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said,
'You'll what?'
He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass'
I answered,
'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.

KleenCut61
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Re: this might not be true and it has some language

Postby KleenCut61 » Mon Jan 08, 2018 1:14 am

::rotflol:: ::rotflol:: ::idea::

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bestgear
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Re: this might not be true and it has some language

Postby bestgear » Mon Jan 08, 2018 1:53 am

Cal - that brought a smile, thank you!
https://www.allaboutpocketknives.com/bestgear
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another ::handshake::

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dweb1897
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Re: this might not be true and it has some language

Postby dweb1897 » Mon Jan 08, 2018 2:48 am

That's a good story. Anybody feeling like they need some of this therapy, I got a few numbers you're welcome to.
I have a hard time trusting someone who doesn't like dogs...but if my dog doesn't like someone, I'll trust that.
Acorn, a better friend than I deserved, gone but never forgotten...run fast and free 11-5-2018 I'll see you soon

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Re: this might not be true and it has some language

Postby Ivoryman » Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:06 am

Ahhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hahhahahahahahahahahah. Man Tongueriver, that story was great, laughed my ass off over and over again as I kept reading. Thanks for making my whole day, no my whole week. Cheers and godspeed, that is one of the best I've heard bar none. Rock on and keep calling them.
"It's what people know about themselves inside that makes them afraid." -No Name, High Plains Drifter

1fartsmella
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Re: this might not be true and it has some language

Postby 1fartsmella » Mon Jan 08, 2018 5:03 am

Cal, Absolutely brilliant. Thanks, Barry
Barry

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fergusontd
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Re: this might not be true and it has some language

Postby fergusontd » Mon Jan 08, 2018 5:43 am

::uc:: The moral of the,story is that the cops and news station had caller i.d. and discovered the real caller. He was arrested and the to asshole sued him and took every thing he had. So think twice when you try to pull a stupid stunt like that!
"A pocketknife is a man's best friend!"

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tongueriver
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Re: this might not be true and it has some language

Postby tongueriver » Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:31 pm

I believe that "Revenge is best served as a cold dish," and really, not at all. I have contemplated revenge many times but I am sure that it just eats up the perpetrator; it does not work in the sense of attaining closure. So I have never done it, but, boy, I sure have thought about it.

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RobesonsRme.com
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Re: this might not be true and it has some language

Postby RobesonsRme.com » Sun Jan 14, 2018 12:51 am

"Do not return evil for evil, or reviling for reviling. On the contrary, Bless. For to this you have been called that you might also receive a Blessing."
I Peter 3:9.

I think the story is fiction, and its premise is ridiculous.

Not the way to live.

Charlie Noyes
DE OPPRESSO LIBER

"...Men may spurn our appeals, reject our message, oppose our arguments, despise our persons ___but they are helpless against our prayers. "

Sidlow Baxter

edge213
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Re: this might not be true and it has some language

Postby edge213 » Sun Jan 14, 2018 1:23 am

I don't think anybody would think this story is real, but it was somewhat entertaining.
David
"Glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife" Meat Loaf

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1967redrider
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Re: this might not be true and it has some language

Postby 1967redrider » Sun Jan 14, 2018 3:39 pm

Chuckle of the day! :lol:
Pocket, fixed, machete, axe, it's all good!

You're going to look awfully silly with that knife sticking out of your @#$. -Clint Eastwood, High Plains Drifter

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carrmillus
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Re: this might not be true and it has some language

Postby carrmillus » Sun Jan 14, 2018 7:43 pm

..........this is funny!!!!.............. ::ds:: ::handshake::


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