Hear of a Good One Lately

[richied]

What do you call a smatr blonde?
A golden retriever!

[jonet143]

what do you do with an elephant with three balls?











ya walk him and pitch to the rhino!

[Mossdancer]

My preference leans toward the ones that perform well, are shapely and
do not eat all that much. The color makes no difference but I like each to stay within its own group.

[dewman]

.....and pushing the limits of what's allowed here, but I found it hilarious. So....here goes. If it gets deleted, I'll understand why and won't feel slighted.

YOU KNEW THIS WAS GONNA' HAPPEN SOONER LATER!

[justold52]

Wedding Anniversary

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really angry. She told him, 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift

in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT

BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on

her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the

house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him...

[MITCH RAPP]

.....and pushing the limits of what's allowed here, but I found it hilarious. So....here goes. If it gets deleted, I'll understand why and won't feel slighted.

YOU KNEW THIS WAS GONNA' HAPPEN SOONER LATER!

VERY FUNNY!

[Mossdancer]

A bit of levity is good for the soul.


John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called
"pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to
fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't
perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That
took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of
tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so John could tell
from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a
very fine specimen he was, too.

But on this particular morning John noticed old
Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to
investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his
bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up
on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the
Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight
sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch
the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the
Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who
else but a politician could figure out how to win two
of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by
being the best at sneaking up on the populace and
screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

[useem]

man thet was funny

[9ball]

:lol:I heard that WB

All animals having power ought to be distrusted to a certain degree.

"We must stop thinking of the individual and start thinking about what is best for society." -- Hillary Clinton


9ball

[MITCH RAPP]

Viagra - A Cure for Everything

A young man goes to visit his grandfather in the nursing home. He asks the elderly gentleman how he has been sleeping at night.

The grandfather replies that they give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet every night before he goes to bed and he sleeps like a baby.

The man thinks it strange giving an old man Viagra so he finds his grandfather's nurse to ask why.

“The hot chocolate makes him sleepy,” replies the nurse, “and the Viagra keeps him from rolling out of bed.”

[MITCH RAPP]

Pinocchio's Problem

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pinocchio has just turned 16 years old and Geppetto thinks to himself: "Just now my son is going to take an interest in girls, I had better explain to him about the birds and the bees."

So he spends time telling Pinocchio about girls and making love. Pinocchio listens intently and then goes off to experiment.

Some time later, Geppetto sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?"

Pinocchio replies, "Great, I'm doing fine, except that all the girls are complaining about splinters."

"Oh dear," says his father, "All I can suggest is that you smooth things over first with some sandpaper."

Some time later he sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?"

"Who needs girls when you've got sandpaper?!?"

[jonet143]

ouch! don't try this at home! kind gives a new meaning to wood, eh?

[MITCH RAPP]

ouch! don't try this at home! kind gives a new meaning to wood, eh?

YEAH! And a new meaning to wood working, also!

[El Lobo]

It's a good thing he's not into whittling...


Ironwood Bill

[MITCH RAPP]

Hot summer, ninety degrees. A rabbit sits in the shadow of a tree and sharpens a stick with a knife.

A wolf passes by.

- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?

- I am sharpening this stick in order to kill the bear.

- ???

A vixen passes by.

- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?

- I am sharpening this stick in order to kill the bear.

- ???

The bear passes by.

- Rabbit, rabbit, what are you doing?

- I am sharpening this stick and Bull S**ting.

[MITCH RAPP]

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

[Mossdancer]

I don't think some of these were meant to be humorous:

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."


"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

" The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur


.

[MITCH RAPP]

Here's one for Hukk!

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter. The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care." St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "You can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

[MITCH RAPP]

And here's one 9 1 1

Why It's Important to Listen Carefully

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.

The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.

"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.

"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."

[CCBill]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired airline pilot in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not go ing to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws ope n her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired pilot and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old pilot replies, "No problem, just get that stupid lion out of the way."

[justold52]

....Here kittie kittie....

[Mossdancer]

>> News flash:
>>
>> The year 2029
>> * Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.
>> * Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
>> * Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.
>> * Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
>> * Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East(formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
>> * Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
> * France pleads for global help after being over taken by Jamaica.
> * Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
>> * George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
>> * Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
> * 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. * Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
>> * Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
>> * Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
>> * Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
>> * Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
>> * New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
>> * Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign account * IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
>> And last but certainly not the least...
>> * Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.

[MITCH RAPP]

Why, Why, Why

do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why
do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' wh en they know there is not enough money?

Why
does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why
doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why
do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word ! 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. I've done my job and sent this email to you , now it's up to you to send it on!!!

[Ringmaster]

What's the Roman Numeral for ZERO ?

Why is there a setting on the iron for "Permanent Press" ?

If Adam and Eve were the first people on earth, did they have belly buttons ?

If Dracula can't see himself in the mirror, why is his hair so neatly combed ?

If Hooter's started home delivery, would they be known as Knockers ?

Are the children that act in 'R' rated movies allowed to see them ?

If a deaf child curses, does his mother wash his hands ?

I spilled stain remover on my shirt...how do you get THAT out ?

Where do homeless people have 90% of their accidents ?

If a parsely farmer defaults on a loan, do they garnish his wages ?

Why is RealLemon made with reconstituted lemon juice, but dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons ?

Why is the third hand on a watch called the "second" hand ?

Why don't they make Mouse-Flavored cat food ?

I bought some dehydrated water - but I can't figure out what to mix it with ?

I guess I'm that "one out of four", that Mitch is talking about ?

Take Care,
JR

[dewman]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiney, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son,
I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son......."Go get your mother."