Hear of a Good One Lately

gmusic · Post by **gmusic** » Sun Sep 23, 2007 8:40 pm

Just returned from a little vacation...............thought this would be a good place to get back into the swing of things!

WalMart Greeter:
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into WalMart with her
two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The WalMart Greeter said pleasantly 'Good morning, and welcome to WalMart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no the y ain't. The
oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're
twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
WalMart.'

jonet143 · Post by **jonet143** » Tue Sep 25, 2007 5:49 pm

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?"

"No."

"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"

"No."

"Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"

Mossdancer · Post by **Mossdancer** » Tue Oct 02, 2007 4:28 pm

I think this will fit in with recent posts.

Subject: The Wife Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

jonet143 · Post by **jonet143** » Tue Oct 02, 2007 7:46 pm

Best Comeback Line Ever"
>
> In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white male,
> in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
>
> On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was charged with lewd and
> lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
>
> The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way
> home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a
> pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for
> miles
> or at
> least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone
> interview.
>
>
> Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
> picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a
> hole
> in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really
> into
> it, you know?" he commented with eviden t embarrassment.
>
> In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an approaching
> police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor
> approached him.
>
> "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I
> walked up to Mr. Aylor and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
> Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
> Aylor.
>
> "I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with
> a pumpkin?"
>
> He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
> looked me straight in the face and said.....
>
> "A pumpkin? ..... s**it...is it midnight already?"
>

mumblypeg · Post by **mumblypeg** » Tue Oct 02, 2007 10:46 pm

Ringmaster · Post by **Ringmaster** » Tue Oct 02, 2007 11:39 pm

Mr. Aylor must've been carrying that new model Swiss-Army knife....

The one with the "Pumpkin Sampler" blade ?

jonet143 · Post by **jonet143** » Wed Oct 03, 2007 11:04 pm

i don't know if this one has been on.

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't.
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice." Have a good day!

Mossdancer · Post by **Mossdancer** » Sat Oct 06, 2007 8:10 pm

She needs no intro.
moss

Mossdancer · Post by **Mossdancer** » Wed Oct 17, 2007 10:39 pm

Useem: should you see this, try it. It's better than the Panda, not scary just funny. Cranker up.
moss

http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=3076

useem · Post by **useem** » Thu Oct 18, 2007 4:16 am

THANKS MOSS!!!! That was pretty good. Bubbles rocks

marcinek · Post by **marcinek** » Fri Oct 19, 2007 6:39 pm

Why Men Shouldn't Take Phone Messages

Mossdancer · Post by **Mossdancer** » Sat Oct 20, 2007 5:36 pm

Sentiments of many.
moss

Hukk · Post by **Hukk** » Sat Oct 20, 2007 7:11 pm

Hmmmn, a Squirrel Relocator, funny as hell when I first saw it.

http://s69.photobucket.com/albums/i46/u ... ocater.flv

Then, I just hoped they were not injured, still pretty funny.

Hukk · Post by **Hukk** » Sat Oct 20, 2007 7:16 pm

Even more funny. Do you remember the newlywed game. Well this is how the blonde joke thing got started. TURN ON THE SPEAKERS.

http://www.esnips.com/doc/dd2f34d2-8be5 ... gotstarted

MITCH RAPP · Post by **MITCH RAPP** » Sat Oct 20, 2007 7:25 pm

Hukk; Very Funny! Squirrel Relocator.

useem · Post by **useem** » Sat Oct 20, 2007 7:28 pm

HUKK, Where can I get A Mother-in-law Relocator?

Hukk · Post by **Hukk** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 2:05 am

useem wrote:HUKK, Where can I get A Mother-in-law Relocator?

May not work but it WILL freak her out.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... &plindex=0

Hukk · Post by **Hukk** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 2:08 am

Taliban suicide training.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... 7997674913

mumblypeg · Post by **mumblypeg** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 4:36 am

OMG!

The 'Mother-In-Law Relocator' blew me away! Good one, Hukk.

Hukk · Post by **Hukk** » Mon Oct 22, 2007 3:22 am

mumblypeg wrote: OMG!
The 'Mother-In-Law Relocator' blew me away! Good one, Hukk.

MAN, I get the creeps every time I see that pull apart girl.

MITCH RAPP · Post by **MITCH RAPP** » Sun Oct 28, 2007 3:35 pm

COLONOSCOPIES

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were
quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all.

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?"

justold52 · Post by **justold52** » Sun Oct 28, 2007 5:07 pm

I am sure you showed your wife the Dr.s note ....

MITCH RAPP · Post by **MITCH RAPP** » Sun Oct 28, 2007 5:25 pm

justold52 wrote:I am sure you showed your wife the Dr.s note ....

Ken; I did show it to Her but she didn't Buy It!

Hukk · Post by **Hukk** » Sun Oct 28, 2007 6:07 pm

I had one of those damn things a year ago and it will be my last time unless they knock me out. They used Fentanyl and Versed without any effect on me and they increased the dose to the MAXIMUM allowabled, increased it 3 times. YES, I remember our conversations. Yes I remember you saying I had a long colon. I remember every second of that 30 minutes. Yes, I had to remind you on my follow-up that I remembered everything and proved it per our conversation.

YES, I did say that if you did not knock me out, I'll do the favor for you by rolling over and planting a left right on your chin.

Yes, those drugs have ABSOLUTELY no effect on me. I'm the guy that looked at the wheelchair and walked out to my car and drove home, stopping at Jack in the Box on the way home.

Sorry, but (or Butt) I will not do it again, not like that, they may as well have used water. I don't care if those are strong drugs, they don't work on me and they NEVER have.

Sorry about the rant, I don't know if you ever had one of those when you were FULLY ALERT! AND, yes, I did drive myself and my "ride" home.
Comment from my wife (ride), "didn't they give you anything?" I just said "NO", because she could not tell.

This is a necessary thing to have done, my wife had polyps removed, I am the oddball that needs a dose strong enough to knock out an elephant.

I am having 2 knee surgeries again, those anesthesiologits have a hard time. I have learned to have fun with these guys. I feel the burning sensation in my arm, I shut my eyes and just before they start to put that device down my throat, I open my eyes and say, "HI DOC"

Gets them every time.

justold52 · Post by **justold52** » Sun Oct 28, 2007 8:59 pm

MITCH RAPP in your last photo .

Those 2 guys have to be gay.

Their is no way I would let a man get that close to me...

or I would get that close to any other man....

EDIT just for jonet143: The head up ass pohto....

All About Pocket Knives

Hear of a Good One Lately

good

risky.....risque aww heck, adult joke

twins

good one

The Idol on steroids

Big old smart person.