All About Pocket Knives

for a ride to another Home Depot

I will be waiting for you at the other Home Dopot.

Park at the north-west end.

I will be in my white van with some $ in my wallet....

someone once said theres no fool like an old fool






_________
Don

A Very demure accounting of a chili cookoff.
moss



If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to Paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge - an inexperienced chili taster named Frank who was visiting fromSpringfield , IL - is priceless.

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that Spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tastings, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on
The tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean Chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a Chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is Chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong Chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her Chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.



CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety Chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with
a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. Take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chile, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?

Judge # 3 -- No report.

OK, if this doesn't consume your day, I don't know what will.

DEER HUNTING GAME

http://www.versuscountrybagamonsterbuck.com/

Hey Mossdancer,
Just so you know, you made my wife cry! She sat down here at the computer and read that chilli tasting story and laughed so hard tears were streamin down her face. I haven't seen her laugh like that in years.
Great stuff.
Phil

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'


Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur!'

Agree or Disagree:
The majority of this rings with an amount of truth. Especially the last few paragraphs.
moss


>
> The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator
> door.
>
> Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are
> yours and contain
> your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
> Placing a paw
> print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
> claim for it
> becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
> aesthetically pleasing in
> the slightest.
>
> The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
> racetrack. Racing me
> to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
> help because I fall
> faster than you can run.
>
> I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am
> very sorry about
> this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch
> to ensure your
> comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a
> ball when they
> sleep.. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
> other, stretched
> out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
> sticking tails
> straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other
> end to maximize
> space is nothing but sarcasm.
>
> For the last time, there is no secret exit from the
> bathroom! If, by some
> miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut,
> it is not
> necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get
> your paw under
> the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit
> through the same door
> I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years
> - canine/feline
> attendance is not required.
>
> The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go
> smell the other dog
> or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
>
> Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the
> following message on the
> front door:
>
> TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
> OUR PETS:
>
> (1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't
> want their hair on your
> clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call
> it 'fur'-niture. (3)
> I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.. (4)
> To you, they are
> animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are
> short, hairy, walk
> on all fours and don't speak clearly.
>
> Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
> (1) eat less, (2)
> don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to
> train, (4) normally come
> when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't
> hang out with
> drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8)
> don't want to wear your
> clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
> (10) don't need a
> gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get
> pregnant, you can sell
> their children .

spider. waste a little time feeding a spider.

http://www.onemotion.com/flash/spider/

You just might find this on the humorous side.
moss


Subject: gunfighter

A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the > West.
>
> The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought
> him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
>
> 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he
> asked.
>
> The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for
> one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the
> holster a little lower down on your leg.'
>
> 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
>
> 'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.
>
> The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his
> 44 and shot the bowtie off the piano player.
>
> 'That's terrific!" said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me ?'
>
> 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of > your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'
>
> 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.
>
> 'You bet it will, said the old-timer.
>
> The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up,
> drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the
> piano player.
>
> 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm
> learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
>
> The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the
> saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your
> gun with it.'
>
> The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the
> grease on the barrel of his gun.
>
> 'No,' said the old timer, 'I mean smear it all
> over the gun, handle and all.'
>
> "'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'
> asked the young man.
>
> 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp
> gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun
> up your butt, and it won't hurt as much..

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in
Bozeman, Montana, while awaiting their respective flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the
third passenger is a fundamentalist Muslim student, newly arrived at
Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners
learn that the Muslim is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation
falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table
and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside
is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still
no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At
one
time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people
were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from
the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . .

"That's 'cause we ain 't played Cowboys and Muslims yet,
but I do believe it's a-comin'.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they
came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went
on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I
must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."


After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.


At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went
on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did
you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could
have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

" That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.."

" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.”

" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

" That I did," said Paddy.

"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman
waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To
which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now
his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" She looks into
his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

...Respectfully dedicated to ex-spouses, boy friends, girl friends, significant others, etc. ...





THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?


...Mild(not wild)CCBill...

Thats BAD to the BONE.

But I liked it....

It is time to bring this old thread back to life.


The Parking Ticket
The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a person a break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'PIG.'

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating NAZI.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a 'moron in blue'.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on I recognzed as belonging to the municiapal judge and it had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day.

The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying carrying something kind of around in! his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, ! whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks". Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset ! the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"Boy says "It's a pussy willow. Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be president some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed.

"Wow... what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're president to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where homeless guys hang out, and you can give them the $50, you earned, to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'


Old age & treachery will always overcome youth & enthusiasm.

The Balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.



Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall!



He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.



Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.



The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?" Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't.I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."



Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.



Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."



The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."



Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."



"Was it a long time ago?"



"Yes, many years."



The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

LOL

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down the highway, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Now I don't care who you are, THAT is FUNNY!
(unless you are the guy who's wife ran off with a state trooper)!

Dale