All About Pocket Knives

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body? I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

LMAO! beaver that was a funny as sh-t joke man. I dug it! LOL!

Glad You liked it,Gino,It's one of My favorites.

Now that could only happen to a Texan, never a Kentuckian. But then, I don't ride busses either. Great funny story.

Why wives shouldn't ask their husbands to go SHOPPING.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately,like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.


Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called...

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "NO...! PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! Can somebody Hear me! There's no toilet paper in here!" One of the clerks passed out.

This one shows some quick thinking..
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you
might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to
Prince George. After almost eleven hours on the
road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to
take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road. When we checked
out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill
for $350.00.

I explode and demand to know why the charge is so
high. I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel;
the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00. Then the
clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard
rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then
explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool
and a huge conference centre that were available for
us to use.
'But we didn't use them."
'Well, they are here, and you could have," explains
the Manager.

He goes on to explain we could also have taken in
one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We
have the best entertainers from New
York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the
Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows".
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the
Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions,
I reply, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and
agreed to pay.

I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the
cheque. "But sir," "this cheque is only made out
for $50.00."
"That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for
sleeping with my wife.'

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

Tom, Good One! This joke reminds me, I'am going to Las Vegas for a few nights next week. Now there's a town, you can't even Break Wind in without Tipping somebody first!

I hear that!

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says: "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says: "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says: "That's a six foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says: "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first, she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk
could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that
she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says: "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks: "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies: "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

Good One It's tough to get out of Bass Pro with bear repellent or stink bait.

Why guys don't write advice cols.

Dear Mike,


I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house
watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out
and my station wagon shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a
neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is
34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he
tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream,
had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR.

When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting
to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on,
he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I
told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he
says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Susie Fox

-----------------------

Dear Susie,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is
clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold
for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be
that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure
to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
Mike
__________________

I used to tell that joke about the blind sporting goods clerk, except it took place at WalMart and the punch line involved "a duck call and Catfish Charlie".

I told it one day in the operating room. Everybody had a good laugh except for the Circulating Nurse, Kathy. She had a puzzled look on her face, then said, "I don't get it. What's a duck call smell like anyway?"

Yes, she was a blonde and this is an absolutely true story.

Charlie Noyes

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase and the wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. The conversation went like this:
She asked:"Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase??"

Maria:"Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife:"Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria:"Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife:"Oh."

Maria:"My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife, really furious now, "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria:"No Señora...the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"

Oman wrote:The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase and the wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. The conversation went like this:
She asked:"Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase??"

Maria:"Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife:"Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria:"Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife:"Oh."

Maria:"My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife, really furious now, "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria:"No Señora...the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"

OH MY GOD!!! If that's not ethnic profiling I don't know what is. Why could it not just be "The Maid" rather than the MEXICAN MAID? That is so racist and bigoted and in poor taste. Shame on you Otto!

OOPS! Mea Culpa, TJ. You are absolutely correct! It just goes to show even though a person means no harm, how ingrained this stuff is. There is a fine line between "politically correct" (which I think is B.S) and bigotry/racism. I copied that joke in toto from another site and just did not THINK. Good catch and lesson learned.

My apologies to all of Mexican decent.

Peace,
O

A Jack Daniels fishing story.....




I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

That's when I saw the cottonmouth snake with a frog clutched in his mouth.
Sooo... I'm a thinkin'... 'Frogs are pretty good bass bait.'

Knowing that the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now comes the dilemma...

How was I to release the snake without getting bit?

So..., being the resourceful southern gentleman as I am... I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

Well..., His eyes rolled back, and he went limp as a dish rag.

Being also a kind and loving southern gentleman of wildlife from the deep south...
I released him into the lake without further incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later in the day, I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same dad-burn snake with not one... but two frogs in his mouth...!!!

Who ever said... Life isn't good in the South.

Good one.

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
Seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this:
"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!

"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Yugos
And I voted for Obama."

The three most dangerous things in the Army.

1. A 2nd Lt. That says, "It's been my experience....."
2. A Pvt. That says, "I understand...."
3. An Old MSGT That says, "Watch this s............"

...A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers from those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained:
“Whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English." He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?”
Without hesitating, the American admiral replied, “Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it twice so you wouldn't have to speak German

OUCH!!!!!

About a hundred years ago shortly after France and England had fought one of their many wars, A French Major and a British captain were drinking in a bar and struck up a conversation. The French Officer told the Brit, "You guys sure weren't very smart". The British officer asked why the Frenchman would say such a thing. The frenchman replied, "Well, you wore those stupid red coats. We could see you a mile away and those red coats made great targets."
The Brit explained that they wore red because if an officer was shot, the blood from his wounds didn't show as much and the troops would not be afraid and continue their attack.
The French army has worn Brown Pants ever since.

I read once, and it said it was a Patton quote that he would rather have a division of Germans in front of him than a division of French behind him.

Oman,
That is good.

The way I heard it was the three most dangerous things in the USMC.

A 2nd LT who says, “Based on my experience….”

A Captain who says, “I have been thinking…..”

And a Chief Warrant Officer who says, “Hey guys, watch this…..”

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.


The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the Little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.

Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."