All About Pocket Knives

LOL Thats funny!!!

Boudreaux done got older and his childen dun put him in

the old folks' home near Breaux Bridge, where he dun

met a lovely lady dat were from Texas. Now Boudreaux

being a fine upstanding Catholic, he didn't want to do

nutin dat were aganst his religion, no. So he dun propose

marriage.

Now both Boudreaux and Mabel wuz well into their 80s.

Mable went and tole everyone at the Senior Citizens home

the good news.

Irene, Mabel's best friend, told her that since she was

very wealthy and the person she was about to wed was,

to say the least, not worth a plug nickel, she should
insist

on a Pre-Nuptial Agreement.

Mabel was sitting on the porch swing with Boudreaux and

she told him she would marry him providing he would sign

a pre-nuptial agreement.

Boudreaux dun told Mabel I don' know what dat is but I'll

sign anything you want, cause I luv you so much.

Mabel got out her pen and paper and started:

She said: I want to keep my house down in Texas with all

the oil wells.

He said: Dat's fine wit me. I'll keep my shack on da
bayou.

She said: I want to keep my Cadillac, BMW and Lexus.

He said: Dat's fine wit me. I'll keep my pick-up truck.

She said: I want to keep my yacht that is moored near

my summer home in Padre Island.

He said: Dat's fine wit me. I'll keep my pirogue.

She said: I want to keep all my jewelry.

He said: Dat's fine wit me. I'll keep my stuffed deer

head.

She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: Dat's fine wit me. Put me down for Fridays.

Stick-up

A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the tellers to
load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and
pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the
customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers
looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor
in silence.
The Robber yelled, "Well,
did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was
plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man
tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got
a good look at you."

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'H*^% no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the h*^% would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
==============================================================================

Remember Buddy Hackett?

http://capnbuck.com/joke_7.html

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning...

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday..." I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way... "Happy Birthday!!!"

Well now... It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane came around and knocked on my door and said...,
"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and after all...
It is your Birthday..., whatta ya say we go out to lunch, just you and me...???"

Feelin' better that someone finally remembered...
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

So we went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

Jane chose instead to eat at a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We really don't need to go straight back to the office, now do we?"

I responded, "Why... I guess not! What do you have in mind?"

She said..., "Let's drop by my apartment it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said...,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Well... OK." I nervously replied.

She went over into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed closely by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing...

"Happy Birthday To You..."
"Happy Birthday..."



And I just sat there......
On the couch......













Naked.

Good One!!

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader to reframe or reinterpret the first part. For example:

I asked God for a bike, but I know Gow doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for President and fifty for Miss America?

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

I USED TO BE INDECISIVE. NOW I'M NOT SURE.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

(borrowed [stolen] from an email I just received)

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of
$1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of
his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet & walked out with a bonus of
$72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old
Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the
measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape
measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. ''Dear Lord! he suddenly exclaimed, Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, " Vietnam ".

GREAT ONE WILLIE

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting.
As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'


'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter , red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?!'

UNIVERSAL LAWS


1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3.Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire...

6.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11..Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15....Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.





-------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

----------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

-----------------------------------


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and Ipassed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.

-----------------------------------

And, my favorite is: LOL

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50

Good One!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sq692lnQkoc

A Cajun Shrimper wants a job cleaning up the oil spill, but the BP
Foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using
numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' The Cajun says, 'Dat is easy.' And proceeds to
draw three trees.


'What's this?' the boss asks

'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the
Cajun.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the
same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere you go.'


The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that
to represent 99?'

'Each of DA trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.'

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to
hire this Cajun, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules
again, but represent the number 100.'

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture
again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
'Ere you go. One hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!'

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each
tree and says, 'A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So
now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty
tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

The Cajun is now the new supervisor.

HAHAHA> funny one Murph! LOL

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

Good one Willie You know what they say, "After age 55, never trust a fart".

LOL<LOL That is funny wullie! Nice one!

Even hunters have big hearts

This one was worth sending...brings tears to your eyes.

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near Highway 7


early one cold December morning. Suddenly, a huge buck walked out

over the corn they had spread in the low shrubs. The buck was magnificent,

a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge. The hunter's hand shook

as his mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points. Moving

quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300
Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.


As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend
alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down Highway 7. The
hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat,
bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer.



His friend was stunned, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I

have ever seen you do. You actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to

a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever

known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend. "


The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years

good one..................................