Hear of a Good One Lately

[johnnierotten]

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,What do you do if ya see your Wife stumbling out of the backyard?.....................




RELOAD!!

[justold52]

True words johnny...

Glade to see that your home again Johnny...

[johnnierotten]

Thanks Ken!!

[fergusontd]

The husband forgot his wifes birthday , she told him that if he got her something that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 5 seconds and was bright and shinney with a big red bow on it all would be forgiven. A little later she went out to the driveway an there sat a bathroom scale with a big red bow on it. He hasen't been seen since.

[Classic Case]

The husband forgot his wifes birthday , she told him that if he got her something that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 5 seconds and was bright and shinney with a big red bow on it all would be forgiven. A little later she went out to the driveway an there sat a bathroom scale with a big red bow on it. He hasen't been seen since.

lol

[justold52]

He hasen't been seen since.

[orvet]

Your morning chuckle (from an un-named source).

I got this new deodorant & the instructions said remove cap & push up bottom.........
I can barely walk, but it smells nice when I fart!

[carvin don]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever tasted.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered , " O h, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', e tc.

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have . "A Martini , please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked , " W hat is your IQ , sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing N ASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned , and took a stool....Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh.... ‘ bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e ... y-o-u-r... p-e-o-p-l-e... h-a-p-p-y... w-i-t-h … O-B-A-M-A??

[MITCH RAPP]

[Owd Wullie]

VERY NICE!! I stole the picture while you weren't looking. Got another forum I hang out at needs a good laugh.

[MITCH RAPP]

COOL! Here's another one!

[orvet]

The definition of Global Warming:

Global Warming is the term used to describe the hot air circulated by liberals for “green” profits.

[orvet]

Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "How do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" he asks.

"Oh, that's easy," says the Queen. "You just ask them to answer a simple riddle."

Just then Gordon Brown walks into the room.

"Gordon, your mother and father have a child," says the Queen. "It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Brown answers, "Oh. That would be ... me, your majesty?"

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Upon his return to Washington, D.C., Obama asks Joe Biden the same question. "Joe. Your mother and your father have a kid. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisers and asks every one, but no one can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Robert Gates' shoes in the next stall. Biden asks Gates, "Robert! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Gates responds, "That's easy. It's me!"

Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Robert Gates."

Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Gordon Brown!"

[tjmurphy]

Three pieces of string are walking down the street on a hot summers day and happen to pass by a saloon. The first piece of strings says to the others, "Hey, lets go into the saloon and get us a good cold beer." The others agree and as they start in the door they notice a large sign that says, "NO STRINGS ALLOWED", where-upon they stop and deside that it is not a good idea. But the first string says, "well I'm going in and try it anyway, I''m sure thirsty". He goes into the saloon and sits down on a stool at the bar and orders a cold beer. The bartender says to him, "Hey, ain't you a string?" Why yes he says and the bartender says to him, "didn't you read the sign on the door, NO STRINGS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT". The first piece of string leaves and reports to his two buddies what had happened. So, the second piece of string desides to give it a shot and proceeds through the door, hops up on the bar stool and orders a cold beer. Again, the bartender recognizes him as a piece of string and orders him out of the bar. He goes out side and reports to the others what had just happended. The third piece of string tells the others, "I'll show you how to get service in that saloon", and he drops to the ground and rolls around for a couple of minutes and gets up and man is he a mess. He proceeds into the saloon, hops up on the barstool and orders a cold beer. The bartender looks at him and asks, "Hey, aren't you a string"? Where-upon the third piece of string says, "Hell no, I'm afraid not.

[logman09]

Jack had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he

quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity
as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his

door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about
5:00...'
'Great', says Jack, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some

local folks, Thank you.'


As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.'
'Not a problem' says Jack. 'After 25 years on the force, I can drink with
the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be
some fightin' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks
again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Jack, warming to the idea. 'I've
been a ll alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what
should I wear?'


'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

[Sauconian]

LENA and OLE ---




Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.

Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, 'I tink it's time!'

So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!' Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said,

'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little girl.. He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.'

Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!'

Ole was flabbergasted by this news!

A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three Children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real
Serious and he asked Lena , 'How come we got tree on the first try?'

Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and

You vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'

Ole said, 'Yeah, I do.. Uffda! It's a good ting I didn't get the WD-40 !!.

[orvet]

ROFLMAO!!

[orvet]

Ole & Lena had a farm a couple miles outside town.
Every Friday they walked to town and went shopping.
One Friday they were in the drug store and passed a display of Milk of Magnesia.
The display said "For That Youthful Feeling."

Lena says, "Dat vat you need Ole. You need some youthful feeling."
Ole says, "By golly, I tink you right Lena."
So Ole buys a bottle and drinks it as soon as they leave the drug store.

They start for home and just outside town Lena asks Ole of it is working.
Ole saya, "No Lena, I don' feel youthful."

About half way home Lens asks him again.
Ole replys, "No Lena, not yet."

They are almost home and Lena asks, "Ole, is dat stuff vorkin' yet?"
Ole says, "Da Lena it is vorking, I feel like a baby."
"Like a baby?" asks Lena.
"Da," says Ole, "I yust yit my pants."

[mumblypeg]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on
where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is
attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is
menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with
duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected

[carvin don]

A French doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of
one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in
four weeks.

The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced
that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another,
and have them both looking for work in two weeks.

An American doctor, not to be outdone, says you guys are way
behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois,
put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking
for work.

[Sauconian]

Beware of older men - they only get wiser!


A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how
old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very
same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself... She stops in a drug store on her
way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning
question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her
the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young
there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of
her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,

'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.


'I was behind you at McDonalds'

[Gunsmoke47]

!

[Rustle47]

A friend and I were about to leave work one day. We were standing in the lobby watching the pounding rain soak the parking lot. "We are going to get wet" I said. He grinned and replied "No problem. Sugar would melt, but" -tapping himself on his chest-"s**t floats!".

[mumblypeg]

This just in........

U.S. Olympian Lindsey Vonn was stripped of her gold medal.

The medal was given to Barack Obama when it was determined that he was going downhill faster than she was.

[gmusic]