Hear of a Good One Lately

[tjmurphy]

Subject: Tax Time

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about
all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of
bread-wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all
the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they
send us a complete dick."

[Gunsmoke47]

[Classic Case]

lol

[tjmurphy]

One winter morning a husband and wife in Madison, WI were listening to
the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going
to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through." So
the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get
through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must
park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset,
and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to
do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the Snowplows can
get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just
leave it in the garage this time."

[tjmurphy]

A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

When he carefully approaches the car to get a closer look, he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing'?

The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane . ... And nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.

The trooper asks: 'And her, .... what's her age'?

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...'

 

[fergusontd]

A man walked in to work on Monday with two black eyes, a co-worker asked how did that happen? Well, I was setting in the back of the church on Sunday, when this heavyset woman came and sat in front of me, her skirt was tucked in her behind, so being the gentleman that I am I pulled it out for her, Thats when she turned around and backhands me one. Well that explains the one, the co-worker said, but what about the other one. Well I figured she was upset because I pulled it out , so I tucked it back in!

[tjmurphy]

Buddy Hackett, what a funny guy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7jM8Mclk3E

[tjmurphy]

So it seems that a couple of weeks ago, Lucifer himself was walking around Hell, observing all the suffering.
He was on a mission to be sure everyone was enduring the maximum pain when he noticed a chubby old guy with white hair sweating and shoveling coal.

The guy was obviously in great distress, but the Devil decided he just wasn't suffering sufficiently.

So, he walked up to the perspiring old fellow and whispered in his ear,

"Hey, Teddy... Have I told you a Republican got your Senate seat?"

[redferd]

I didn't have time to read all of this thread so this maybe a repeat? so here goes:

two canables were sitting around the campfire eating a clown. one said to the other..."do you taste anything funny?"

[tjmurphy]

2 Brazilian Soldiers

The Dept. of Defense briefed the President this morning.

They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyones suprise he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands,
visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a Brazilian?'

This is not suprising since he obviously has no understanding of billion
or trillion either.

[tjmurphy]

[CCBill]

Church Service...

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill y o u with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

[tjmurphy]

Now there's a good reason to pick you mate very carefully!

[tjmurphy]

Barack Obama and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep


Some hours later, Tonto woke the president and said, "Kemo bro, look towards sky, what you see?"

Obama replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

Obama pondered for a minute then said, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, Mother Nature is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's' it tell you, Tonto?

Tonto says, "Obama, you dumber than buffalo. It means somebody stole tent."

[tjmurphy]

FIRST TIME SEX


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet & have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time.


The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns & whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[tjmurphy]

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked
in the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head.

In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over,
he called his doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid,
gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.

Barack drank the concoction and said,
"That tasted like bullsh*t!"

"It was." the doctor replied, "You were a quart low."

white Obama.jpg (11.39 KiB) Viewed 1765 times

[tjmurphy]

NOMINATED THE BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR


A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa ."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

[tjmurphy]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee
> outside an Arizona immigration office.
>
> "Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United
> States with your wife and eight children."
>
> The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have the
> good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."
>
> The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING!-- he
> had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
>
> "What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."
>
> The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three
> car garage in Phoenix on the water with eight bedrooms for my family
> and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to
> bring them all over here" --- and -- PING!-- in the distance there could
> be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a
> walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the water.
>
> "One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.
>
> "Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American
> clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of
> this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> --- PING! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn out jeans, a Diamond-Backs T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
>
> "What happened to my new teeth?" He wailed, "Where is my new house?"
>
> THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .
>
> NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . . . . . .
>
> The fairy said: "Tough s..., Amigo, Now that you are a White American,
> you have to fend for yourself."

[buckeyefan]

Nice one TJ!

Marty

[tjmurphy]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion,that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, after finding 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."


One week later, a local newspaper in Kentucky reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Rabbit Hash, Earl Jones, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Earl has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Kentucky had already gone wireless".

Kentuckians are such a proud bunch.

[orvet]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . ..'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco


2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'.. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.

Submitted by
Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by
Dr. Susan Steinberg


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications..
' Which one ?'. .. . I asked.

'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk , VA


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .. . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by
Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,


7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . .. had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name


8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '

Dr. wouldn't submit his name....



Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.'

[tjmurphy]

Hey Dale!! +++++

[orvet]

Glad you liked it Tom.
I got a good laugh from it.

Dale

[gino]

LMAO !!! Thats funny stuff!

[tjmurphy]

You know, there really is a Rabbit Hash, Kentucky. It's right here in Boone County about 20 minutes away from me. It's mostly just an historic preservation area now but they do elect a mayor, usually the resident stray dog in the community. The winner is elected based on the number of votes sold, $1 each, which goes to the Rabbig Hash Historical Society. Rabbit Hash has the oldest, continuous operating general store in Kentucky, having opened in 1832 and has been in operation ever since, in the original building.

http://www.rabbithashusa.com/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cindy47452/3669440134/