Hear of a Good One Lately

[gino]

LOL Good one murph! LOL

[tjmurphy]

An old,
> blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
> He finds
> his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of
> Jack Daniels.
> After
> sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
> 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde
> joke?'
> The bar immediately falls absolutely
> silent.
> In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
>
> 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only
> fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five
> things:
>
> 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
>
> 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
>
> 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a
> black belt in karate.
>
> 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
> professional weight lifter.
>
> 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
> wrestler.
>
> Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you
> still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
>
> The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and
> mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain
> it five
> times....'

[vikingdog]

LOL you're on a roll TJ I love this thread.

[orvet]

A Marine was retired from the Corps due to wounds he received in battle. He found work as a high school history teacher. On his first day- still in a full chest cast covered by his shirt- he found he had the toughest group of teenagers in the school as his pupils. He walked into the classroom and opened the window. The resulting breeze began to flap his tie around a bit, so he grabbed a staple gun and nailed it to his chest.

He didn't have a bit of trouble the entire school year.



Semper Fi,
Dale

[tjmurphy]

Them old Jar Heads is tough now, they are.

[tjmurphy]

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained in the Marines and eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The general got very angry at the officer's lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, who was even better. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also. The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise).
The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contact lenses."
The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?", the General asked.
The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, at your age it's almost certain that you need some type of vision correction, and it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no "F***'ing ears".

[MITCH RAPP]

[tjmurphy]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.


"I should be in charge," said the *brain*, "Because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the *blood*, "Because I circulate oxygen all
over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the* stomach*," Because I process food and
give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the* legs*, "because I carry the body wherever
it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the *eyes*, "Because I allow the body to see
where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the *rectum,* "Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him,
so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the *brain* had a terrible headache,
the *stomach* was bloated,
the *legs *got wobbly,
the *eyes* got watery,
and the *blood* was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge

[edgy46]

T.J.
That is so true.

[tjmurphy]

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

[geno1201]

this actually happened to me old work buddy calls said his septic system was clogged up so i told him i have a snake we could try so off i went to his house we tried the snake several times but to no avail did it work so we go to basement to disconect a juction so iturned around took off coat turned around again i hear the pipe wrenches he leaned aganst wall slide then crack the pipe piss and chit and corn shooting in the air i looked at him hes pizzed off after a moment of silence i looked at him and said well whats next kernal he shook his head then laffed for about 5 min. when i see him i say heyt kernal whats up he always laughs.

[tjmurphy]

Sounds like you needed to put some anti-septic system into the works after that.

[tjmurphy]

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska .

He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard A frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save The Trees' shirt.

The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, And trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing 'Go Sarah' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug Right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the Semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball Bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Two of the men dragged The dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly Proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican Loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes That this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was That guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact With Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he Doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

[geno1201]

this ones a little dirty hope not to offend anyone a women goes to gyno. for check up so she gets on table doc pulls out spreader starts to insert she jumps and says oh thats to cold so doc says he will warm it up a bit he blows on it and tries again but she still says its to cold so doc says theres one more thing i can try i can numb it for ya so she says ok doc bends over and starts to go nyum nyuuum nyum.

[MrBlister]

A well known charitable organization realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is in the millions and millions of dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through our organization?'

The lawyer thought for a minute and said, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'Did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The now overly humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer continues, 'So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

[MrBlister]

A well known charitable organization realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is in the millions and millions of dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through our organization?'

The lawyer thought for a minute and said, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'Did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The now overly humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer continues, 'So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

[tjmurphy]

OH! MB! That is a dandy

[Owd Wullie]

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.. "Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!".....


Government workers are so very smart. Aren't you overjoyed that they'll soon be handling all our financial, educational and medical dilemmas?

[Oman]

hahaha, good one. But, it would have been funnier and more correct if the social worker was from New York.

Otto
Boston, MA

[Owd Wullie]

hahaha, good one. But, it would have been funnier and more correct if the social worker was from New York.

Otto
Boston, MA

Why?

Hit too close to home?

[geno1201]

A well known charitable organization realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is in the millions and millions of dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through our organization?'

The lawyer thought for a minute and said, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'Did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The now overly humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer continues, 'So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

your rite on the money there mrb so true

[gmusic]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!”

“Heck,” said Herman, “It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!”

[orvet]

Some times the truth is better than fiction and funnier than a joke!

Associated Press
AUGUSTA, Ga. - A U.S. Marine reservist collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in eastern Georgia. Best Buy sales manager Orvin Smith told The Augusta Chronicle that man was seen on surveillance cameras Friday putting a laptop under his jacket at the Augusta store. When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four Marines collecting toys for the service branch's "Toys For Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back. The cut did not appear to be severe.

The suspect was transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions and assorted lacerations including a broken nose and jaw..injuries he sustained when he reportedly fell trying to escape after stabbing the Marine.

The suspect, Tracey Attaway, 39, was held until police arrived. The Richmond County Sheriff's office said it is investigating.

[tjmurphy]

Neat story. That's the way justice should be applied.

[knowtracks]

XXX