Hear of a Good One Lately

Mossdancer · Post by **Mossdancer** » Wed May 16, 2007 3:16 pm

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well,
you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five m inutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Hukk · Post by **Hukk** » Wed May 16, 2007 4:54 pm

That's good! Reminds me of when I lived near the Sonoma County Fairgrounds. One night during the fair some 20+ years ago I saw a drunk coming down the street carrying what later turned out to be a 12 pack of Lucky Lager.

I watched as he would stop next to a parked car, guzzle a beer down and then throw the bottle through the car's window. My new 83 Toyota 4 x4 was parked on the street but he was a couple hundred yards away and not moving to fast.

I called the police who responded that they were busy and it would be a half hour before they could get there.
I then told them, "well I'll go pick out a rifle and hold him for you" and hung up. Not even 2 minutes later there were 3 squad cars and they arrested the guy. The fair was going on, there were a lot of the police in the area. I was not asked any questions, so offered nothing from my front porch. Makes you wonder what they were doing that was so almighty important.

I would not do that today, it's a different environment and attitude. If I did that today, I would probably be arrested for making threats.

9ball · Post by **9ball** » Thu May 17, 2007 7:16 pm

Yeah.......I got one

This local tomato farmer has three daughters he watches closely.

Well, one Friday night a knock came from the the front door and the farmer jumped up and grabbed his shotgun and flung it open. There stood this young man and he said;
"My name is Eddie and I am here for Betty. We are going steady, tell her to get ready."
So the farmer hollers upstairs for Betty, she came down and her and Eddie left together.

The old 'mater farmer goes back to sit down and about that time another knock comes from the door. Same drill, he grabs his shotgun and flings open the door. There stool this guy and he says;
"My name is Moe and I am here for Flo. We are going to the show, tell her let's go."
The farmer hollers upstairs for Flo, she comes down, then her and Moe head out the door.

Well, the farmer heads back to watch his favorite TeeVee show and a louds knock comes from the door.
As before, he grabs his double barrel and flings open the door. There stool this dude and he sezs;
"My name is Buck and I am here in my truck." KA-BAM'S. He when ahead and gave him both barrels.

9ball

jonet143 · Post by **jonet143** » Thu May 17, 2007 7:46 pm

hey 9-ball, been a while. funny joke, uh, what was the third daughters name?

MITCH RAPP · Post by **MITCH RAPP** » Thu May 17, 2007 8:11 pm

jonet143 wrote:hey 9-ball, been a while. funny joke, uh, what was the third daughters name?

Johnnie; The third daughter must a been named Hukk!

justold52 · Post by **justold52** » Thu May 17, 2007 11:36 pm

A farmer sitting out on his front porch on Sunday and sees a Jap pulls up in his driveway with his rice burner.
The Jap said to the farmer “Hello sir”
Farmer said, “Hello what can I do for you?”
Jap said, “As I was riding by I see you have some honey-suckle down the lane and I sure would love to get some honey for my wife and 3 kids.”
Farmer said, “You can’t get any honey from a honey-suckle plant.”
Jap said, “You don’t mind if I try then do you?”
Farmer laughed and said, “Help your self.”
Later the Jap comes up the lane with 2 buckets full of honey and say, “Thanks my family will love this.”

The next Sunday the Jap pulls in the farmers driveway and said, “The wife sure loved the honey but when I was getting the honey I also saw some milk-weed plant. Can I get some milk from them?”
Farmer laughed and said “You can’t get any milk from a milk-weed plant.”
Jap said, “You don’t mind if I try then do you?”
Farmer said, “Help your self.”
Later the Jap comes up the lane with 2 buckets full of milk, and tells the farmer "Thanks."

The next Sunday the Jap pulls in the farmers driveway and said, “The wife sure loved the honey and the milk, but when I was getting the milk I also saw some pussy willow.”
Farmer jumped up and said, “Wait for me I will get my hat and go with you."

9ball · Post by **9ball** » Fri May 18, 2007 5:29 pm

Once upon a time, back in these hills.......

There was this urine smelly dirty old drunk staggering down a local country gravel road and he comes up on an old time tent revival.

Thinking he can get a free meal or a few dollars, he steps inside.
After finding a seat on the front row, he sits down to listen to some fine old time gospel bluegrass tunes and some firey East 10-E-C down home preachin'.

Well.......That old drunk starts gettin' tuned and cranked up. Finally.......He's got the Spirit and stands up before the crowd.
It's time to Testify.

Drunk: "Once I had it all"
Evangelist: Tell it all, Brother.......Tell it all"
Drunk: "I had a fine Home, a good Boss, made an Honest living, $ in the Bank, New car, Old knives & good Friends"
Evangelist: Tell it all, Brother.......Tell it all"
Drunk:"Then, I started a drinkin' 15 year old scotch whiskey, neat"
Evangelist: "Tell it all, Brother.......Tell it all"
Drunk:"Before long, I was drinkin' white lightin', smokin' crack and running with loose women"
Evangelist: "Tell it all, Brother.......Tell it all"
Drunk:"By then....... the Boss became a wife and was history, I lost my business, I wrecked my car, I maxed out my credit card and the Law took my home and all my legal tenders"
Evangelist: "Tell it all, Brother.......Tell it all"
Drunk:"It was all down hill with brakes off after that. No friends, on the streets, huntin' cans, dumpster divin', lost my mind drinkin' Mid-Night Train wine."
Evangelist: "Tell it all, Brother.......Tell it all"
Drunk:"Then one morning I woke up in this big ole mud pit."
Evangelist: "Tell it all, Brother.......Tell it all"
Drunk:"I looked around and there was this big ole sow laying there next to me in the mud."
Evangelist: "Tell it all, Brother.......Tell it all"
Drunk:"That ole sow pig looked mighty fine after a ride to nowhere on the Mid-Night Train, so I had sex with it"
Evangelist:"I don't believe I'd told that!"

9ball

Yes Johnnie.......It has been a while.

orvet · Post by **orvet** » Sun May 20, 2007 4:06 pm

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Texan?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the
corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises
the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do
you do?

.................................................................

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him
that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

What does the law say about this situation?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound
me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day
and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such
behavior.

................................................................

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

..............................................................

Texan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips
or Hollow Points?

Son: Can I shoot the next one!

Wife: You Ain't Taking That To The Taxidermist!

Ya' gotta love them Texans!

Dale

jonet143 · Post by **jonet143** » Sun May 20, 2007 5:40 pm

Ya' gotta love them Texans!

or else!

justold52 · Post by **justold52** » Sun May 20, 2007 5:45 pm

If that was me in that case I would want an OLD VET by my side...

Dang the Wife spoils a lot of fun.

Gunsmoke47 · Post by **Gunsmoke47** » Sun May 20, 2007 11:57 pm

Yup.... You just gotta love them Texans!

My wife does..... I think

Sorry Ken, she's a brunette!

singin46 · Post by **singin46** » Mon May 21, 2007 5:06 am

See.....That's a Texan friends, glad to be one.

Reloadin46

orvet · Post by **orvet** » Mon May 21, 2007 5:10 pm

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos?
And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!

Gunsmoke47 · Post by **Gunsmoke47** » Mon May 21, 2007 9:58 pm

Dale, I can live with the old ladies and their tattoo's. But the thought of sweatin to the oldies with Snoop Dog is beyond me. Period.

orvet · Post by **orvet** » Mon May 21, 2007 11:20 pm

ROFLMAO

jonet143 · Post by **jonet143** » Fri May 25, 2007 10:54 pm

another terrorist captured!

useem · Post by **useem** » Fri May 25, 2007 11:12 pm

Now that was SCARY

Mossdancer · Post by **Mossdancer** » Fri May 25, 2007 11:16 pm

Jonet:
If there was an award for this, you would win hands down.
wb

Classic Case · Post by **Classic Case** » Sat May 26, 2007 3:10 am

ilikeknives · Post by **ilikeknives** » Sat May 26, 2007 3:52 am

Johnnie,
Looks like an "enemy combatant" to me. Stick her,him, errr IT down in Gitmo. Good Gosh that's UGGGG-LEEEE. Can you imagine?, there are tons of drop-dead gorgeous women beating a path to have that all to themselves

. If it comes to that,,gimme the pistol. What a shame, eh?
Makes my skin crawl

.
You win the prize. I am with Mossdancer.
a MILLION

-S

jonet143 · Post by **jonet143** » Sat May 26, 2007 4:12 am

i thought the good people of aapk might get a rise out of that, well, maybe not a rise, but.....

justold52 · Post by **justold52** » Sat May 26, 2007 8:48 am

What's even worst to think of is some one might call her MOM...

Men need to stop thinking with a certain bodily part...

Being drunk is no excuse for mating with this "enemy combatant".

The father should be hung by a rope as he is most definitely a trader.

El Lobo · Post by **El Lobo** » Sat May 26, 2007 3:25 pm

I'm sorry johnnie, but THAT is the anti-rise...

THAT is what the Doc prescribes if you mistakenly were to double tap on the Viagra.

Please, make it stop!!!

bILL

sunburst · Post by **sunburst** » Sun May 27, 2007 11:47 am

A few lighthearted cartoons & picture..

justold52 · Post by **justold52** » Sun May 27, 2007 1:38 pm

Why that was a short summer we had.

The end of NOV. is my B-DAY. do you all think I will get a knife form her???

Christmas time close again?

I know there are lots of fires in Florida but is Sunny boy inhaleing the smoke??

All About Pocket Knives

Hear of a Good One Lately

Calling the police.

Cannot get my mind outta the gutter lately

A TEST: Are you a Democrat, Republican or Texan?

good one