Hear of a Good One Lately

[orvet]

Some bumper stickers from http://www.dumb.com/bumperstickers.htm
Good for a couple chuckles.

Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION
Eschew Obfuscation
Give Me Ambiguity Or Give Me Something Else
Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Help Stamp Out And Eradicate Superfluous Redundancy
huked on foniks werkd fer me
I'm an optimist, but I don't think it helps.

And my favorite one, which seems to apply to threads in any knife forum:
Life's way too short to stay on topic

Have a good weekend,
Dale

[Mossdancer]

Subject: English Mistranslations



1. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. (Harrumph!)

2. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

3. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

4. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

5. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. {I take it she removes the "bulges".}

6. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a frim's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

7. On a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. {So, this means you can't throw a fit in the basement.}

8. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. {Hmmn, the security cam monitors must show some interesting images.}

9. In Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

10. In Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Have a good Memorial Day; REMEMBER !
moss

[justold52]

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To
which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???
" She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher." Now to me THATS FUNNY...

[Gunsmoke47]

Yes, it is!

[useem]

Thank for posting everybody. Pretty funny stuff

[smiling-knife]

A hungry looking man and an ostrich walk into a diner.
They sit down at the counter and look at the menu.....

After a few minutes the waitress walks over and says 'what you have?'

The man say's 'I haven't eaten for days... I'll have a cheeseburger, fries and a coke.

The waitress says 'what about your friend?'

The ostrich says 'I'll have what he's having'.

A talking ostrich.. that's a little odd thinks the waitress but what the hell... 'that will be $12.50'.

The ostrich looks at the man, the man looks at the waitress and tentatively says 'I got this one'. He slowly reaches into his pocket and and much to his surprise pulls out $12.50 an puts it on the table.

Next day... the man, looking a little better, and the ostrich return to the same diner. The waitress, less surprised than yesterday walks over and says 'what will you have?'

The man says 'I'll have a cheeseburger, fries and a coke.'

The waitress says 'what about your friend?'

The ostrich says 'I'll have what he's having'.

'That will be $12.50' say the waitress. The ostrich looks at the man, the man looks at the waitress and says 'I got this one'. He slowly reaches into his pocket and pulls out $12.50 an puts it on the table.

This exact scenario is played out for 363 days.

On the 364th day the man and the ostrich walk into the diner. The waitress completely accustomed to this by this now walks over and says 'you two want your usual?'

The man says 'no this is a special occassion... . I'll have the steak and lobster and a bottle of your finest wine' The waitress looks at the ostrich and says howabout you? The ostrich says 'I'll have what he's having'.

The waitress walks away and returns in a few minutes. '2 steak and lobsters and two bottles of wine is $113.58'. ... the man looks at the waitress and says ' I got this one' . Full of confidence he reaches into his pocket and without looking pulls out exactly $113.58.

The waitress decides she has to ask. 'You two have been coming in here and ordering the same thing for a year and each time you pay the bill no more no less. what is the story?'

Well says the man, one year ago today I found a magic lamp and asked for three wishes'

Amazed the waitress 'says what did you wish for?'

The man slightly bemused replies: wish number 1 was that I would never be hungry again; wish number 2 was that I would always have the exact money for everything I buy' ...

The waitress interupts with 'That explains the food and the lack of tips over the year, but how do you explain the ostrich?'

Well says the man, 'wish 3 was for a long-legged, red-headed bird that agrees with everything I say....Overall, it's been a pretty good year.'

[useem]

RED HEADED! FUNNY

[justold52]

Thanks for thinking about me ....

I am not sure if you know what a Red Neck is.
So I will show you smiling-knife...

[richied]

A farmer had three beautiful daughters.One day they all said that they had dates that night.The farmer decided to answer the door with his shotgun in hand to show the boys that he meant buisiness.
The first boy got there and knocked on the door. When the farmer answered the door he said my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show. is she ready to go? the farmer thought that he was ok so he let them go.
The second boy knocked on the door. When the farmer answered the door he said my name is Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're going for spaghetti,Is she ready? He thought that this kid was ok so he let them go.
The third boy got there. When he answered the door he said my name is Chuck ,so the farmer shot him

[CCBill]

> Things Got Ya Down?
>
> Well Then, Consider These . . .
>
>
> In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday
> morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
>
>
> This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.
>
> No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am
> Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of
> the incidents.
>
>
> The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am, all of the doctors and nurses
> nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible
> phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books,
> and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
>
>
> Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson,the part-time Sunday sweeper,entered the ward
>
> and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
>
>
> Still Having a Bad Day????
>
>
> The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
> Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special
> ceremony,two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back
> into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
>
>
> A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
>
>
> Still think you are having a Bad Day????
>
>
> A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically,
>
> almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist
>
> towards the electric kettle.
>
>
> Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him
> with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
>
>
> Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
>
>
> Are Ya O.K. Now?
> - No!
>
>
> Two animal rights defenders were protesting
> the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany.
> Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a
> broken fence, stampeding madly.
>
>
> The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
>
>
> What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
>
>
> Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough
> postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender"
> stamped on it.
>
>
> Forgetting it
> was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
>
>
> There now, Feeling Better????
>

[jonet143]

cc, that last example made me feel pretty damn good!

[jonet143]

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut." Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, You'd better say so now.

" Dorothy responded, "If we"re being honest with each other, here goes......I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

[justold52]

...Just have to love them Dorothy's...

[MITCH RAPP]

Two Red Necks named Bob and Billy Joe are driving down a country

road, when they come upon a big fat Lamb with her head stuck in a

fence. They pull their truck over and get out. All of a sudden Bob drops

his overalls and starts to have his way with the Lamb. When he is finished

he asks Billy Joe, "Do You want some of this Action?" Billy Joe

replies "Hell Yes!" drops to his knees and shoves his head in the

fence.

[justold52]

bad... bad...
Poor RED NECKES will get up set here...

[MITCH RAPP]

bad... bad...
Poor RED NECKES will get up set here...

REDNECKS? We don't have any Rednecks here!

[justold52]

Billy Joe made me think... .

I am not good with names (sorry).
It is a move that the 2 men were in on the lampoons vacation to Wally World. In a different move the 2 men were in also. One just hated living next to the redneck so he moved to the west coast. Just to find out he moved next door to his brother redneck. With a SUPER SIZED lawn mower.
I just loved that BIG RED LAWNMORE with a V8 for the engine on it.

Dang it I am getting old and can't member. Its like old Bill Clinton, I have a bad memory but a good hard-drive...

[jonet143]

A young guy from Texas moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says. "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah, I was a salesman back in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and se how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One."

The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20-30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$121,237.65."

The boss says "$121,237.65 What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. The, I sold him a Moore-Maker fish knife. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down to the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "

[sunburst]

[justold52]

jonet143 I don't care what you said in the past. I like you more now.

Thats more than just funny...

[useem]

jonet143 That one made me laugh out loud.THAT WAS FUNNY

[9ball]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. "I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my Friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the Left and Right. No joke.

[justold52]

or ??? ??? I agree no joke....

[MITCH RAPP]

[orvet]

Wow Mitch, I am glad I don't live in California!

Dale