Hear of a Good One Lately

orvet · Post by **orvet** » Sun Jul 15, 2007 9:30 pm

Here is a true story about the virtue of complaining. A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone often failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see either
a psychic dog or senile customer.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3 The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be solved by pissing & moaning.

orvet · Post by **orvet** » Sun Jul 15, 2007 10:17 pm

News Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts and a U.S. Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader. The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl full of hot, spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine." "What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?"

Mossdancer · Post by **Mossdancer** » Sun Jul 15, 2007 11:31 pm

Dale;
So right on.
wb

useem · Post by **useem** » Mon Jul 16, 2007 12:21 am

ORVET, you nailed it

CCBill · Post by **CCBill** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 1:32 am

Our "NEW" Neighborhood SUPERMARKET

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

sunburst · Post by **sunburst** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 1:37 am

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Man I just busted out laughing and woke the house up..That was great..

Thanks,

Sunburst

muskrat man · Post by **muskrat man** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 4:03 am

justold52 · Post by **justold52** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 12:16 pm

This was a good way to start the Day...

.

But we all know what most of use do after getting up.

We use the toilet paper then come to AAPK to read this...

My wifey did not think it was funny.
She said why do you think useing a corn cob is funny ?
Dang blonds are fun....

CCBill · Post by **CCBill** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 6:35 pm

The difference between a Swiss Army knife and a French Army knife.

jonet143 · Post by **jonet143** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 7:05 pm

ccbill, that's a classic.

El Lobo · Post by **El Lobo** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 7:36 pm

OK CC Bill,

Just for you...the DELUXE (overpriced, naturally) version of the French Army knife...probably in poor taste on my part, but I just can't help myself today, having read another article bashing us again for a load of BS.....

Ringmaster · Post by **Ringmaster** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 7:56 pm

Salesman is traveling thru the backwoods of Arkansas... Stop me, if you're heard this before... And, his car breaks down. So, he walks up to the nearest farmhouse, where an old man is sittin' on the porch, with a double-barrel shotgun across his lap.

Before the salesman can ask if he might spend the night, he notices this hog come thru the screen door, and the ole hog has a wooden leg ! (Ignoring the fact that the hog just came out of the living room), he asks the old man about the hog...

"Well, son - one night years ago, this old house caught fire, and this hog was just a young'un then. He broke into the house, and pulled every one in the family outside, to safety." "Saved our lives, he did."

"Wow !, sez the salesman - "And so, he must have been injured in the fire, and that's why you made him a wooden leg ?"

"Nope, that ain't it. But, when you owe a hog as much as we do, you just cain't eat him, all at once."

CCBill · Post by **CCBill** » Tue Jul 17, 2007 9:16 pm

Some Camping Tips

*

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
*

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
*

Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
*

When smoking a fish, never inhale.
*

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
*

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
*

Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.
*

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely un heard of. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
*

Effective January 1, 2010, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
*

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
*

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
*

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
*

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
*

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
*

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
*

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
*

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
*

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
*

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
*

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
*

Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."
*

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
*

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
*

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
*

A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of politicians for toilet paper.
*

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

Mossdancer · Post by **Mossdancer** » Wed Jul 18, 2007 12:24 am

Not many words needed.

orvet · Post by **orvet** » Thu Jul 19, 2007 7:00 pm

Speaking of the French;
A friend sent me a great story, thanks Ron.

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter, was being interviewed by a very obnoxious and sarcastic French journalist.
* *
The discussion came around to deer hunting.
* *
The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him?
* *
Is it, "Are you my friend?" or "Are you the one who killed my brother?'"
* *
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All
they care about is, "What am I going to eat next, who am I going to
screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away from any danger.
Actually, deer are very much like the French."

Mossdancer · Post by **Mossdancer** » Sat Jul 21, 2007 3:19 am

THE PASTOR’S ASS

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he
entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey
in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided
to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the
following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she
would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it
to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the
plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is…being concerned about
public opinion can bring you much grief and misery…even
shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about
everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and
live longer!

orvet · Post by **orvet** » Sat Jul 21, 2007 8:09 am

orvet · Post by **orvet** » Sat Jul 21, 2007 8:11 am

A friend sent me a great political cartoon.
You may have to click on it to enlarge it to read the text.

Dale

justold52 · Post by **justold52** » Sat Jul 21, 2007 1:54 pm

Is that George Washington's adviser or Hillary Clinton's adviser in the boat ?...

Ringmaster · Post by **Ringmaster** » Sat Jul 21, 2007 2:08 pm

I think he's a reporter, for CNN ??

orvet · Post by **orvet** » Sat Jul 21, 2007 4:03 pm

Woof Blitzer reporting from the Delaware River.

SFC ADP · Post by **SFC ADP** » Tue Jul 24, 2007 3:06 am

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne .

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence..."

Gunsmoke47 · Post by **Gunsmoke47** » Tue Jul 24, 2007 2:51 pm

MITCH RAPP · Post by **MITCH RAPP** » Tue Jul 24, 2007 3:49 pm

These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is
barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is
looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on
someone's front lawn.

"Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?"
The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex.
Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?"

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex
doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty
cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife
a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual
position."

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a
try. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the
passenger asks, "Well, how did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It was
great.
But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."

Forensic Jim · Post by **Forensic Jim** » Tue Jul 24, 2007 4:08 pm

Here's the latest advancement in medicine.

All About Pocket Knives

Hear of a Good One Lately

The Virtue of Complaining

good one

"NEW" Supermarket...

french army knife

How 'bout the Swiss Navy knife?

good one

good one

AMAZING NEW MEDICAL MACHINE.