Hear of a Good One Lately

[MITCH RAPP]

Anybody watch the Silly YOUTUBE Debate, last night?

[SFC ADP]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corrider, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his "You-Know-What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer test again!!!"

[Edgewise]

Two old timers, whose memories were not what they used to be, were sitting chatting one evening.
One old fellow was trying to recommend a restaurant where he took his wife the night before, but he could not for the life of him remember the name of the restaurant.
Eventually he had an idea and said to his friend:
"What's the name of that flower which is red and is given as a sign of love?"
His friend answered : "You mean a rose?"
"That's it!" the old guy says.
Then he turns around and shouts:
"Hey Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[orvet]

THE MONKS

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was............................................................................CELEBRATE !!!"

[gmusic]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have a
24-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about
that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an
elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he
was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella
instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside
the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver
fell over dead. What do you think of that?

"The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[MITCH RAPP]

RedHead Joke

A young Redhead goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible,” says the doctor.

“Show me.” She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, then pushes her ankle and screams.

The doctor says, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?” “

No, ” she says, “I’m actually a Blonde.”

“I thought so, the doctor says. “Your finger is broken.”

[orvet]

Mitch,
That was so good I called & left it on my daughters voicemail....................................................................she is blond.

Dale

[orvet]

A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He stops, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

[justold52]

A MEN finally their is proof of a good cope.....

Blonds just can not pull it off as a RED HEAD..... ...They are just a want-a-beee....

[orvet]

Actually a blond who dyes her hair any other color is just attempting artificial intelligence...............it don't work!

[richied]

Aman invested in a sheep farm and was ready to raise some sheep.
He asked his vet how to tell when the sheep were pregnant. The vet said that they would would roll around in the grass when they were pregnant.
The vet also told him that he should artificialy inseminate the sheep.
The farmer didn't know what that meant but didn't want his vet to think he was stupid.
He thought about it for a day and decided that it meant he would have to impregnate the sheep his self.
So the next day he loaded his sheep in his truck and drove to the woods where he personaly serviced each sheep.He drove them home,let them into the pasture and went to bed.
The next morning he looked out in the pasture and the sheep were just standing around,so he loaded them back into the truck and drove them to the woods again and made love to his sheep again. Surely they would be pregnant now.
He drove them home,turned them loose and went to bed. The next morning he looked out his window to see them still just standing around.
OK he thought, the third times the charm,so he loaded the sheep back into his truck and drove them to the woods where he had his way with each sheep twice.
He drove them home,turned them loose and fell lifelessly into bed.
The next morning he was too tired to raise his head off his pillow. He asked his wife to look out the window and see what the sheep were doing.
She said that all the sheep were in the truck and one of them was honking the horn.

[MITCH RAPP]

Why it's important to understand English

> I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so

> I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

> Short line.

> Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying

> to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
>

> She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two

> hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

> The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".


> The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

[orvet]

A New Orleans lawyer sought a FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabelle. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to hell you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?

They got the loan.

[jonet143]

on a sunday afternoon drive in the country, an old couple were passing a sheep farm. as they approached a bend in the road they saw an old man in the field having his way with one of the sheep, terribly shocked, the woman insisted her husband go to the closest farm house and report the incident. as they approached the house, they saw a young man by the barn repairing a tractor. they told him about the scene and he asked in which field they had seen this taking place. they answered and the young man's face lit up and said,
oh, it's ok that's just my daaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

[MITCH RAPP]

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man.
"She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.
lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man.
"We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

[MITCH RAPP]

One time this guy went to a bar to hang out with some friends. after a few drinks, he decides that he should start heading home because he didn't want his wife to know he'd been drinking, and more so, wanted not to barf all over himself. So he tells his freinds he's gonna go home, but they say "No man! come on, just have one more, if you throw up, i'll give you 10 bucks and you can just say it was the guy next to you." So he took one more drink and ended up throwing up all over himself. so he goes home and sees his wife sitting on the couch and she sees him with the puke all over his shirt. immediately he says, "Hey don't worry, it was the guy next to me and he gave me 10 bucks to spend on a new shirt. so his wife reaches in his pocket and pulls out the money. "But this is a 20 dollar bill. I thought he gave you 10?" "I know, He crapped in my pants too."

[Mossdancer]

Who's helping who?

[orvet]

No horsing around while you are working on the car!

[jonet143]

i guess that's one way to get extra ponies under the hood.

[MITCH RAPP]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[MITCH RAPP]

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

[dewman]

The Duck & the Lawyer

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face -first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[orvet]

Good one Dew

[Mossdancer]

I imagine in todays world this is PG rated.

THIS ONE DAMN NEAR MAKES AN OLD SAILOR WANT TO CRY!



There was a ragged, old, retired Battleship Gunners Mate Senior Chief
who shuffled into a waterfront bar.

Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano
Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. "I'd
like to apply for the job," he said.

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old Squid, but
it had been quite awhile since he had a piano player and business was
falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try.

The old Senior Chief staggered his way over to the piano while several
patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music,
Every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music,
unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't
a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old Senior Chief a beer and asked him the name
of the song he had just played. "It's called, 'Drop Your Skivvies,
Baby!, We're Gonna Rock Tonight", said the old Senior Chief after he took a
long pull from the beer.

The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player went on with a
knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
After he finished, the Senior Chief acknowledged the applause and told the
crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out". He
then excused himself as he lurched off to the head.

When the guy came out of the head, the bartender went over to him and
said, "Look Senior Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open
and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old Senior Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it."

[justold52]

...I imagine in today's world this is PG rated...

Just nice to see the GOOD OLD DAYS of locker room talk still around.