Hear of a Good One Lately

[Mossdancer]

For you Ken:

The Red Head

> A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
>
> Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
>
> He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
>
> "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
>
> "I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
>
> They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.
>
> After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
>
> They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
>
> The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!
>
> "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
>
> "No," she replies. . . . . .
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "You just happened to catch my eye."
>

[justold52]

Where is she ??? Do you know her name ??? Does she buy her man Knives for Special days like B-days and Christmas ??? Tell her I like dining in a fancy restaurant. I will even bring my base ball glove with me.
a gorgeous redhead ...

[dewman]

.......speaking of redheads, I'm sure most of you guys will never forget the most absolutely gorgeous woman you've ever seen in person. For me, it was a petite, green-eyed redhead who was a hostess at the Hog's Breath Inn in Carmel, California. The restaurant is owned by Clint Eastwood, who was at one time also the mayor of the town. This beauty, in her late 20's, would absolutely take your breath away. I'll never forget those ocean-green eyes. If God ever put a perfect 10 on earth (not counting her mind!), this surely had to be her. A body like none other, skin like peaches and cream, hair like Maureen O'Hara.
Ah....the memories.

[MITCH RAPP]

Dew; I know what you mean! I work at a Movie Studio and I fall

in Love at least 10 times a week.

[Mossdancer]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are
Standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that reads:

The End is Near!
Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you
Religious Nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The priest turns to the minister and rabbi and asks, "Do you think the
Sign Should just say

'Bridge Out'?"

[MITCH RAPP]

GOOD ONE!

[jonet143]

a friend sent this to me, thought it was a funny story:

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. (This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.)
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/ purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries,... right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS Destruction #!*$$!%!#*!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

John

[Hukk]

Good! I like that, reminds me of when I went to Western Farm Supply here in Santa Rosa. I went there with a friend who had to get a bark collar for his yellow labrador retriever. My friend asked the guy behind the cash register, "do these really work". The guy shouted to his assistant, "hey Larry, a guy here wants to ask you something". My buddy asked Larry, "do these bark collars really work"?

Larry said, "oh yeah they work great. I put one on one time and went woof real lightly and nothing happened, so I went woof-woof lightly and nothing happened again. Then I went woof-woof and on the third woof it knocked me to the ground, I peed my pants and I could not talk for 2 weeks". My buddy bought the bark collar. As I was leaving, I just told the guy, "you know, if I were you, I wouldn't be telling that story."

If you are ever in Santa Rosa go to the Western Farm supply center on 7th street. I don't know if he is still there or not, I suspect not unless he is a relative.

Sad but True

[sunburst]

LOL..Incredibly funny or should I say stupid. either way it was great entertainment..

Here's one:

Subject: State Trooper

An OHIO State Trooper pulled a car over on I-20 about 2 miles south of DAYTON. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to the Shriner’s Hospital to do a show for the kids and didn't want to be late.. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from Mansfield, got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test!

[MITCH RAPP]

Here are a couple of the new SAK Knives just released!

[El Lobo]

I'll drink to the second knife...

My wife loved the Ladies Special SAK.

Bill

[justold52]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service

[The Texas Tank]

Going to take Maxine with me to work today. The girls will love it.

[MITCH RAPP]

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."


"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said

[orvet]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles along for company.

One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies, and before long, discovers he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figure s he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!


Moral of this story....
Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and enthusiasm!

[Mossdancer]

LOAN

An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Italian replied: "Minga, where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[CCBill]

The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.

[Classic Case]

i really liked #1.

[Hukk]

I just try to keep it simple, Yes Dear or No Dear and anything over 10 minutes is null and void.

Do I look fat in this is not a question, it's a death trap and will be ignored.

[useem]

Pretty much the rules i live by, just never realized it till i saw them in spelled out. (WAY TOO MANY SHOES!)

[Mossdancer]

Just thought this might cure the Monday Morning Blues.
http://denimandlace.50megs.com/1bigone.html

[justold52]

Thanks that placed a SMILE on my face this morning...

[dewman]

"Just thought this might cure the Monday Morning Blues. "

And that it did my friend! Thanks for sharing. I've forwarded it to just about everyone in my e-mail address book.

[Mossdancer]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
sheriff's
deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy
because he is a
lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a
better education than
any cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this
to himself and
have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says," License and registration,
please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a
complete stop at the stop
sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no
one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop,
Says the deputy.
License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to
complete stop, that's the
law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy
says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal
difference between
slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and
registration; and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't
give me the
ticket.."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle,
sir," the deputy
says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his
nightstick and starts
beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and
says, "Do you want
me to stop, or just slow down?"

I love good Texas stories...

[richied]

Now that was funny