Hear of a Good One Lately

jonet143 · Post by **jonet143** » Sat Sep 15, 2007 6:33 am

this the best on ebay. no place like it . read the description!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?Vi ... ksid%3Dm37

orvet · Post by **orvet** » Sat Sep 15, 2007 7:25 am

Me thinks he still harbors some ill will toward his ex.

justold52 · Post by **justold52** » Sat Sep 15, 2007 10:19 am

And he goes on to say.....

http://cgi.ebay.com/TMobile-Sidekick-3- ... dZViewItem

MITCH RAPP · Post by **MITCH RAPP** » Sat Sep 15, 2007 2:43 pm

Man! That is Funny!

MITCH RAPP · Post by **MITCH RAPP** » Sat Sep 15, 2007 2:49 pm

Here She is!

orvet · Post by **orvet** » Sat Sep 15, 2007 10:22 pm

"Hey, Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "what was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day, and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country, or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, slow. We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza. It was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth, and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin, and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever ate.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room, and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys, and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning.. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing, and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty, and we weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December), and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with water because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old!

How many do you remember?

Head light dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons heated on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside jukeboxes
6 . Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulbs
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt, but those memories are the best part of my life.

Personal note:
I scored 27 out of the possible 25.
But of course I was in High School when we got electricity.....

Dale

justold52 · Post by **justold52** » Sat Sep 15, 2007 11:35 pm

MEMORIES Older Than Dirt

I must be older than you.

We had school shoes and Sunday go to meeting shoes. Total 2 pair.
When our feet got bigger we got new Sunday shoes always one size to large.
My first memory of a telly was 2 short and one long rings. Then only mom would answer the telly.
I went to a one room school for my first 8 years. In grade 7 & 8 .
I was the janitor that got to clean out the clinkers from the Cole burning furnace,
and shovel the Cole in the hopper for the next day. 8th grad class was 2 girls and 3 boys.
I remember cars that had cranks to start the motor. Then starters but the starter switch was on the floor too.
We called it Soda Water (Coke-a-Cola) and put a bag of Planter peanut's in the bottle.
We got a drink of water from a bubbler.
I remember our first frig, but we kept the Ice box cuz every storm the power would shut off.
On Friday after Dad went to the bank we all went to the A&P to get food for the week.
Movies we got to see only one time each year and that was during Christmas brake.
Dad was with us and Mom was doing some thing we did not know about. (buying gifts) One toy the rest were cloths.
Wash tub wringers came with a thick stick (thicker than a broom handle).
Mom used it on my butt if I was bad...

She would miss some times and hit me in the back of my legs.
s... that hurt...

I was REAL GLADE to see the spin washer come, but she saved the stick.

GEEE I wish the GOOD OLD DAYS were still here....

Sauconian · Post by **Sauconian** » Sat Sep 15, 2007 11:37 pm

Dale....I loved it ! I'm not too sure I'm happy about Acein' it though

Hopalong Cassidy was the other big T.V. show, and I liked the Dugan's Bakery delivery man better than the milkman. The Dugans guy would leave turtles and snakes in a box, so I always got sent to the front porch for the bread and donuts.

I remember making the rounds on my grandfather's ice truck too.

Fran

Sauconian · Post by **Sauconian** » Sun Sep 16, 2007 12:07 am

Ohhhhh.....It's coming back BIG time.

No air conditioning, and much quieter too. Hot nights you'd try sleeping with your head on the window sill, or on the front porch, and the bugs were noisy. When the Township started spraying for mosquito's, we'd follow on our bikes, riding through the DDT.

The rag man you could hear for hours before he reached your street. He had a horse drawn wagon, and called Raaaggggs, like the produce man in the Cris Smither song, No Love Today.

A local Iron Works had a chain drive Mack, and you could hear that coming far enough away to run to the end of the block, and watch it pass. That was old enough to be interesting even then.

Fran

useem · Post by **useem** » Sun Sep 16, 2007 1:19 am

I scored a 17 Dale

Six years ago I still had my 1959 chevy Apachie,and a youngster wanted to use it for a run to the hardware store. i about pissed my pants when he couldn't start it. He would sit there and turn the key and say "why wont it start?". Boy, were those foot starters fun. Bad thing is when i got my first "modern" car, i couldn't find the high beam switch. A youngster showed me where it was

richied · Post by **richied** » Sun Sep 16, 2007 1:41 am

I guess I'm older than I thought.I remembered 20 of the 25'
Our phone number was 64j15,two shorts and a long.We had a nosey widow,Mrs Trammel, that would listen in while I was talking to my girlfriend.We had the second color television in our town.
My grandfather owned a genuine General Store that sold everything from Nails, groceries,clothes,saddles and tack,dishes,groceries where all the meat was sliced and wrapped up,cattlefeed,knives,guns and ammo,fishing tackle,school supplies,and if he did'nt have it in stock he could order it and have it in a few days.
I remember when gasoline was 25 cents a gallon.Texaco had a commercial where a gas attendant gave full service to a tennage boy that drove up and bought a gallon of gas.

I was so much older then,I'm younger than that now

MITCH RAPP · Post by **MITCH RAPP** » Sun Sep 16, 2007 1:56 am

Dale; I knew them all and a couple more. 78 rpm and Rambler Cars.

richied · Post by **richied** » Sun Sep 16, 2007 2:16 am

yea Mitch, I forgot about 78 rpm's

Mossdancer · Post by **Mossdancer** » Sun Sep 16, 2007 2:45 am

I won't tell you what I scored but when the saturday night get together was at our house I got to keep the Victrola wound till my bedtime.

On regular evening listened to Gabrial Heater, The shadow, Amos an Andy, some really scary ones. Walter Winchell. I remember the hoopla when Dewey lost. It's an endless tome. Alot later I watched when Roger Bannister broke the mile record. Learned how to drive on a tractor. Pumped gas at the local Beacon for fifteen nine a gallon.
moss

orvet · Post by **orvet** » Sun Sep 16, 2007 3:17 am

When I was little my dad worked two jobs because I had a little brother who had severe medical problems. He pumped gas at the Flying A station. Mom, my little brother & I would take dad's dinner to him. Mom put his dinner on a plate (not paper) and covered it with a clean cotton dish towel. She put us boys in the car and drove the few blocks to where dad was pumping gas at 8.9¢ per gallon.

I started working at a Union 76 station in 1963. We sold gas for 19.9¢ per gallon. When there was a gas war, (where stations competed to see who could have the lowest price for gas..........military troops were not involved), the Hudson station would get down to 15.9¢ per gallon, but you ran the risk of messing up your carburetor because of the water in their gas.

About 1967 I bought a 350 Honda. I used to make my boss mad because I would fill up with Chevron Custom Supreme gas, (the higher octane supreme that all the race cars used). It sure made that little Honda scoot.
I would love to get Custom Supreme today, even at the high price of 24.9¢

Oh, the good old days BA (Before Arthritis)

Dale

Mossdancer · Post by **Mossdancer** » Sun Sep 16, 2007 3:29 pm

READ ALL THE WAY TO END

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW.....

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000

AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia .

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the

angry crowds back.

But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . .

We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians have no sense

of humor?)

MITCH RAPP · Post by **MITCH RAPP** » Sun Sep 16, 2007 5:16 pm

Moss; Good One!

Mossdancer · Post by **Mossdancer** » Sun Sep 16, 2007 11:10 pm

The best laid plans.

ESTATE PLANNING 101

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one
evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an
ordinary man,' he said as he walked up to her, 'but in just a week or
two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

MITCH RAPP · Post by **MITCH RAPP** » Mon Sep 17, 2007 1:05 am

California Crazy Laws

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.

Bathhouses are against the law.

In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

Women may not drive in a house coat.

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Arcadia

Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

Alhambra

You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

Baldwin Park

Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

Belvedere

City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

Blythe

You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

Burlingame

It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

Carmel

Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)

Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

Chico

Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

Downey

It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

Hollywood

It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

Lafayette

You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

Lodi

It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".

Lompoc

It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

Long Beach

It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

Los Angeles

Toads may not be licked.

You may not hunt moths under a street light.

It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.

You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

Zoot suits are prohibited.

It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

Ontario

Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

Pacific Grove

Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

Palm Springs

It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

Pasadena

It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

Prunedale

Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

Redlands

Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

Riverside

One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

San Diego

The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

San Francisco

Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.

Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

San Jose

It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

Santa Monica

You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

Temecula

Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

jonet143 · Post by **jonet143** » Tue Sep 18, 2007 4:12 pm

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my chest.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my boobs every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man .

dewman · Post by **dewman** » Fri Sep 21, 2007 2:43 am

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand & picked it up.
Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked Genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."

The annoyed Genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is Good.

orvet · Post by **orvet** » Fri Sep 21, 2007 5:48 pm

ROFLMO

CCBill · Post by **CCBill** » Sun Sep 23, 2007 3:40 pm

ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE

It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are

female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a

true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love

it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with

her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,

middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not

take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and

walked directly toward her. (As men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he

leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely

anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for

$20.00.....on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you
want me to do in

just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly

removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's

hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and

slowly and meaningfully said.........

"Clean my house."

justold52 · Post by **justold52** » Sun Sep 23, 2007 6:56 pm

You did not say he was an illegal alien.
I hear they do all kinds of s... jobs cheep....

MITCH RAPP · Post by **MITCH RAPP** » Sun Sep 23, 2007 8:33 pm

All About Pocket Knives

Hear of a Good One Lately

wierd ebay stuff

Feeling old today?

a good one

Gas Prices

A good one

A good one.

not too smart

Osama & the Magic Genie

That'll work...