Hear of a Good One Lately

jonet143 · Post by **jonet143** » Sun Oct 28, 2007 9:48 pm

ken wrote: "Those 2 guys have to be gay"

what 2 guys?

useem · Post by **useem** » Mon Oct 29, 2007 12:33 am

Those are not two guys Ken. Just one, and I'm pretty sure I used to work for him!!

MITCH RAPP · Post by **MITCH RAPP** » Mon Oct 29, 2007 1:06 am

Ken; Only one guy in the photo, better get your eyes checked.

mumblypeg · Post by **mumblypeg** » Mon Oct 29, 2007 3:56 am

Good one, Mitch. Took me a minute, but I finally saw it.

orvet · Post by **orvet** » Mon Oct 29, 2007 4:00 am

Hukk wrote:I am having 2 knee surgeries again, those anesthesiologits have a hard time. I have learned to have fun with these guys. I feel the burning sensation in my arm, I shut my eyes and just before they start to put that device down my throat, I open my eyes and say, "HI DOC" Gets them every time.

Hukk,
I bet the doctors LOVE to see you coming!

The only thing worse than a colonoscopy is a endoscopy. That is where they sent the NBC camera crew down your throat!
Neither is much fun......................I know!

Dale

Hukk · Post by **Hukk** » Mon Oct 29, 2007 5:01 am

orvet wrote:
Hukk,
I bet the doctors LOVE to see you coming!

The only thing worse than a colonoscopy is a endoscopy. That is where they sent the NBC camera crew down your throat!
Neither is much fun......................I know!

Dale

I did that one twice. The first time was OK, they used Demerol which worked great, I was asleep. The second time they used that combo that DOESN'T work on me. I drove my ride home again.

Hukk · Post by **Hukk** » Mon Oct 29, 2007 4:33 pm

The freaky one for me was this test where they run a tube up your nose, down your throat and into the top of your stomach to check for acidity for reflux diease. I had the endoscopy to look at the opening of my stomach and take pictures of it.

Anyway, that tube up my nose went to this recording device that recorded acid levels. Well, being a well know practical joker, I went to work with that tube out my nose (

Looked GROSS but really painless). Yeah, a nuisence, but I sure had fun with it.

Yeah, don't eat dinner and go right to bed, bad things can happen to your stomach.

Mossdancer · Post by **Mossdancer** » Mon Oct 29, 2007 5:23 pm

You guys are really getting morose. This might cheer you a bit.

> CAKE OR BED
>
> A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
> FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
>
> HONEY,
> COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
> IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
>
> HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
> FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
> DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
> GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
> I DON'T THINK SO.
>
> FINE,
>
> THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
> WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
> IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT
>
> TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
> FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
> DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
> WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
> I DON'T THINK SO
>
> FINE, SHE SAYS
> THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
> TO THE FRONT DOOR?
> THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
>
> I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
> WANT TO FIX STEPS
> HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
> ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
> I DON'T THINK SO
> I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
> I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
>
> SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
> COUPLE OF HOURS...............................
>
> HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
> HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
> TO GO HOME
>
> AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
> THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
>
> AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
> HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
>
> AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
> THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
>
> HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
> SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
> OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
>
> JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
> WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
>
> HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
> ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
> GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
>
> HE SAID,
> SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
>
> SHE REPLIED,
> HELLOOOOO..
> DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
> ON MY FOREHEAD?
> I DON'T THINK SO!
>
>

MITCH RAPP · Post by **MITCH RAPP** » Thu Nov 01, 2007 4:40 pm

Farting All The Time

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test

Mossdancer · Post by **Mossdancer** » Sat Nov 10, 2007 3:21 pm

Talking USMC Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of

Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a

broken down shanty-style house:

"Talking Dog for Sale ."

He rings the bell and the owner appears

and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking

labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services the

United States Marines .you know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs". In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps

(8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

?

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

Hell, he was in the Navy!"

useem · Post by **useem** » Sat Nov 10, 2007 3:25 pm

CCBill · Post by **CCBill** » Thu Nov 15, 2007 6:42 pm

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money......

justold52 · Post by **justold52** » Thu Nov 15, 2007 7:38 pm

My blond wifey told me about that bet she made...

I am woudering who the man was ?...

Dang blonds are fun...

singin46 · Post by **singin46** » Thu Nov 15, 2007 8:34 pm

Singin46

justold52 · Post by **justold52** » Sat Nov 17, 2007 7:43 am

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling

$95, 000.He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two

precious dolls were in the box. He thought she had only been angry with him twice in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

‘Oh,' she said, 'that's what I made from selling the dolls.'

A Prayer...

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll

beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet.

singin46 · Post by **singin46** » Sat Nov 17, 2007 1:35 pm

Thats good Ken.

Singin46

justold52 · Post by **justold52** » Sat Nov 17, 2007 1:58 pm

Well my wifey sent me that one.

Do you think I better find that RED HEAD fast? OR keep the blond ?

singin46 · Post by **singin46** » Sat Nov 17, 2007 3:50 pm

Red, go for the REDHEAD.

MITCH RAPP · Post by **MITCH RAPP** » Sat Nov 17, 2007 5:10 pm

REDHEAD!

Two sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a

beautiful blonde. First sailor asks his friend "Have you ever slept with a

blonde?" Second sailor replies that he has. They walk on further and see

an even more beautiful brunette. FS" Have you ever slept with a

brunette?" SS" Why yes, in fact I've slept with brunettes on many

occasions" They walk on a little further, and see a gorgeous redhead,

who leaves the other two girls for dead. FS" Have you ever slept with a

redhead then?" His companion looks at him and replies "Not a

wink!

singin46 · Post by **singin46** » Sat Nov 17, 2007 5:57 pm

BADABING!!!!!!

Singin46

Mossdancer · Post by **Mossdancer** » Sat Nov 17, 2007 8:53 pm

Two cows

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk
the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives
to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think
is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

singin46 · Post by **singin46** » Sat Nov 17, 2007 9:02 pm

EXACTLY

justold52 · Post by **justold52** » Sat Nov 17, 2007 9:39 pm

...OOPS no Wisconsin Cows ?????

MITCH RAPP · Post by **MITCH RAPP** » Sat Nov 17, 2007 9:59 pm

CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell lead laced milk to stupid Americans.

CCBill · Post by **CCBill** » Sat Nov 17, 2007 10:25 pm

Hey, Ken...
You were wondering about the Wisconsin cow???
I heard that they can't teach driver's ed and sex education during the same semester, in the Wisconsin school system because it was too hard on the cow...

...CCBill...(Moo Moo Buckaroo)...

All About Pocket Knives

Hear of a Good One Lately

good one

LOL...

60 years