Hear of a Good One Lately

[CCBill]

Have you ever seen a Redneck weather station?

[orvet]

Great one Moss!!!
ROFLMAO

[justold52]

If this is to much just DELETE it...



Difference between potentially and realistically
>
> A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
> "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and
> realistically?
>
> The father thought for a moment, then answered,
>
> "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad
> Pitt
> for a million dollars.
> Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad
> Pitt
> for a Million
> dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep
> with
> Brad Pitt for
>
> a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you
> learn from that.
>
> So the boy went to his mother and asked,
>
> "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
> dollars?
>
> The mother replied, "Of course I would!
> We could really use that money to fix up the
>
> house and send you kids to a great University!
>
> The boy then went to his sister and
> asked,
>
> "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
> dollars?
>
> The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt!
>
> I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you
> nuts?
>
> The boy then went to his brother and asked,
>
> "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
> dollars?
>
> "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how
> much
>
> a million bucks would buy?
>
> The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then
>
> went back to his dad.
>
> His father asked him, "Did you find out the
> difference
>
> between potentially and realistically?
>
> The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are
> sitting
>
> on three million dollars, but realistically we're
> living
>
> with two hookers and a homo.

[Gunsmoke47]

Now that's just pretty funny Ken!

[Mossdancer]

Blonde joke







An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a
blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke,
Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you
should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.



"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[justold52]

How true .... Blonds are a lot of fun...

[jonet143]

Pregnancy Q and A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

[jonet143]

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had 25 students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked it to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!



1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but how?
6 . Don't bite the hand that looks dirty. (Good One !)
7. No news is impossible. (Agree!)
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
20. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
21. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
22. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!
23. Better late than pregnant.

[Mossdancer]

From time to time most nearly all have been posed with this question. Finally a definitive answer.
moss

[Sauconian]

The Haircut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card
and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and “Becoming More Successful.”

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

[Mossdancer]

(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to
slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically
nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind
of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other
regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city
boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon
when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys c an't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys
get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher.
He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels
just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head
and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even
load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call h and-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break
real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the
best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .
I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6'
and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,


Alice

[orvet]

[MITCH RAPP]

From time to time most nearly all have been posed with this question. Finally a definitive answer.
moss

Hey! Moss, here's the answer to Question #2.

[singin46]

[MITCH RAPP]

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies "Your house."

[singin46]

GOODNESS!

[Mossdancer]

[orvet]

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton ."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton . I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

[gmusic]

[Sauconian]

Here's the end of Mitch's story, from the previous page.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like
to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription

[Hukk]

Those just kill me!

[MITCH RAPP]

GOOD ONE!

[justold52]

Here is a twin to go with orvet's

ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS
>
> Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the
> Helicopter in front of the White House, he was
> Carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
>
> The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention,
> Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
>
> The President replies "These are not pigs these
> Are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for
> Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of
> The House Nancy Pelosi."
>
>
> The squared away Marine again snaps to attention,
> Salutes, and says,
>
> "Excellent trade, sir."

[orvet]

The Duke says:

[gmusic]

Oregon Veteran..................that's a good question!!