Hear of a Good One Lately

[Gunsmoke47]

Bad enough you have to press one for English. If they ever start tellin me to press TWO for English I'll probably go postal!

[Sauconian]

English should be default. No buttons required !

[Sauconian]

This is just TOOOOOO good!!

Country Funeral

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man, I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the car door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years."

[Mossdancer]

Passing along the way it is.
moss

SUMMARY OF LAST YEAR ON MY COMPUTER AFTER LEARNING MANY NEW TRUTHS

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now, for the same reason, I have to scrub the top of every can I open.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers get answered ONLY if I make a wish within five minutes and forward your email to seventeen of my best friends within the hour. And if I don't, a fate worse than death will happen to me. (I'm pinching myself to make sure that I'm alive).

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use S aran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face .. disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a cologne sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. I no longer take long trips.

And, thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a car jacker waiting underneath my car to grab my keys.

I can no longer drive my car because I'm confused about which gasoline companies I'm supposed to boycott on which days.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's barber...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[Sauconian]

Ya' got me Moss !

Fran

[MITCH RAPP]

You got to Love Emails

[gmusic]

Thanks Moss. I have a niece I'm going to send that to..........she is the forward queen!

[MITCH RAPP]

Airline Screw Ups!

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, alone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was Quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[El Lobo]

MITCH...MITCH...MITCH......




















Frequent Flyer Bill

[gmusic]

Good stuff!

Perfect timing as we're planning a trip next week.

[mumblypeg]

An elderly gentleman, George, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said 'OK', hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.
Within 5 minutes 3 police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at George's house and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them?' And George said 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

[Hukk]

A Police call I made in the 80's was pretty similar to that. I saw a drunk carrying a 12 pack I think it was of those 11oz. Lucky Lagers. Every time he finished a beer he would throw the empty bottle through a side widow or the windshield of the car. This was around 10 PM.

The county fair was going on and he was walking towards my new Toyota 4x4. I called the police and was told it would be at least a half hour before someone could come.

So, I just said well, "I guess I'll just grab a rifle and hold him till you get here." What I did was, grabbed a beer and sat on the front porch and waited. Yep, 3 minutes and 3 cars with lights a flashing. He was arrested after a struggle, they noticed me watching and asked me if I called, I just said "WHAT?" Then they hauled him off. I didn't even have to lie.

I would not try this stunt today, with all the Homeland Security and all, it would be a dumb idea.

[MITCH RAPP]

New Hillary T-Shirt

[gmusic]

[Mossdancer]

How many more years does our Republic have left? With spending like this not many.
moss

This is too true to be funny





The next time you hear a politician use the



word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about



whether you want the 'politicians' spending



YOUR tax money.



A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,



but one advertising agency did a good job of



putting that figure into some perspective in



one of its releases.











A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.







B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.







C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were



living in the Stone Age.







D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.







E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and



20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.







While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division







Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number, what does it mean?







A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of



New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you



each get $516,528.







B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in



New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.







C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family



gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D.C . HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broken??

Tax his land,

Tax his wage,

Tax his bed in which he lays.

Tax his tractor,

Tax his mule,

Teach him taxes is the rule.

Tax his cow,

Tax his goat,

Tax his pants,

Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,

Tax his shirts,

Tax his work,

Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,

Tax his drink,

Tax him if he tries to think.

Tax his booze,

Tax his beers,

If he cries,

Tax his tears.

Tax his bills,

Tax his gas,

Tax his notes,

Tax his cash.

Tax him good and let him know

That after taxes, he has no dough.

If he hollers,

Tax him more,

Tax hi m until he's good and sore.

Tax his coffin,

Tax his grave,

Tax the sod in which he lays.

Put these words upon his tomb,

'Taxes drove me to my doom!'

And when he's gone,

We won't relax,

We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!

Accounts Receivable Tax

Building Permit Tax

CDL License Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Dog License Tax

Federal Income Tax

Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax

Fuel Perm it Tax

Gasoline Tax

Hunting License Tax

Inheritance Tax

Inventory Tax

IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),

IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),

Liquor Tax,

Luxury Tax,

Marriage License Tax,

Medicare Tax,

Property Tax,

Real Estate Tax,

Service charge taxes,

Social Security Tax,

Road Usage Tax (Truckers),

Sales Taxes,

Recreational Vehicle Tax,

School Tax,

State Income Tax,

State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),

Telephone Federal Excise Tax,

Telephone Federal Universal Service Fe e Tax,

Telephone Federal, State and Local

Surcharge Tax,

Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,

Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,

Telephone State and Local Tax,

Telephone Usage Charge Tax,

Utility Tax,

Vehicle License Registration Tax,

Vehicle Sales Tax,

Watercraft Registration Tax

Well Permit Tax,

Workers Compensation Tax.

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,

and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened? Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to 'press

1' for English.

I hope this goes around THE

USA at least 100 times

What the heck happened?????

[gmusic]

In a news conference Deanna Favre announced she will be the starting QB for the Packers this coming Sunday. Deanna asserts that she is qualified to be starting QB because she has spent the past 16 years married to Brett while he played QB for the Packers. During this period of time she became familiar with the definition of a corner blitz, and
is now completely comfortable with other terminology of the Packers offense. A survey of Packers fans shows that 50% of those polled supported the move.

Does this sound idiotic and unbelievable to you?


Well, Hillary Clinton makes the same claims as to why she is qualified to be President and 50% of democrats polled agreed. She has never run a City, County, or State. When told Hillary Clinton has experience because she has 8 years in the white house, as Dick Morris stated, "so does the pastry chef".

[jonet143]

2 Rednecks and a hole



Two rednecks are out hunting. As they are walking along they see a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is" The second hunter says "I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over. They count one, two, three and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at the hole and each other trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here did you?"
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said,

"Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission

[Mossdancer]

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be
pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO
shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your
urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of
shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your

legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

[jonet143]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer
> > negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that
> > range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the
> > price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500
> > and takes it home.
> >
> >
> > He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it
> on,
> > and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea.
>
>
>
> > It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it
> on,
> > but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the
> > $500 refund for myself."
> >
> > So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
> >
> > The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at
> > least iron it!"
> >
> > He never heard the shot.
> >
> > Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
> >
> > Closed coffin.

[useem]

Note to self: NO negligee as a gift

[MITCH RAPP]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine ... and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop,
Wine/beer/booze = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of s....
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[useem]

Well, I can't argue with the facts! Thanks for that. That was a good one

[knife-nut]

How do you get a nun pregnant? You dress her up as a alter boy.

[Mossdancer]

Needs no explanation
moss

[orvet]

Top 10 Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22...

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on-the-road...

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times...

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup...

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo...

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space...

#4 - A gun functions normally every day of the month...

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these grips make me look fat?'...

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it...

...AND...the

#1 reason a gun is favored over a woman...............

YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!!