Hear of a Good One Lately

[mumblypeg]

Man, I love this thread!

[justold52]

Top 10 Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

Thanks I NEEDED that this morning.......

[MITCH RAPP]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman

asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He

replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than

let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the

attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[Hukk]

New Country Western song by Confederate Railroad.


http://denimandlace.50megs.com/1bigone.html

[MITCH RAPP]

Hukk, is that Perry on back up vocal?

[justold52]

Sounds like a RED NECK singing that to me...

[Hukk]

Sounds like a RED NECK singing that to me...

Naw - THAT's Music, I been called worse. Come to think of it more than once.

[Hukk]

Hukk, is that Perry on back up vocal?

I don't think so, unless Perry is moon lighting. BUT, if it sounds deep, off key, like someone is singing into a metal bucket at the bottom of a well that may be me. If your ears hurt and your eyes tear up for no good reason, you see animals running away fast and dogs howling -- well then that's quite likely to be me.

[Hukk]

Kinda hard to read, but it says:


“DON’T EAT THE HARD BIT ON IT’S BACK,
THEY MAKE YOU FART!”

[MITCH RAPP]

Women : A Scientific Analysis

((HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET))
MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: Women

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS:Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg

OCCURRENCES:Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in
alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at
different locations as long as specimen don't come into direct contact
with each other.

[MITCH RAPP]

Meet The Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and his girlfriend meets him at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" she says.

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are already seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and Whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a Pharmacist."

[justold52]

I have to say I did not see that one comming....

[MITCH RAPP]

The medical distinction between "Guts and Balls"

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death!

[justold52]

Now I wounder how many men here, do we have with Guts and Balls ??

I am sure that I am not the only one here....

[Duffy]

Now I wounder how many men here, do we have with Guts and Balls ??

I am sure that I am not the only one here....

Not me, lost mine in a gardening accident when I was 11.

[useem]

Me either Ken! My little woman is not too little.

[orvet]

Not me, lost mine in a gardening accident when I was 11.

ROFLMAO


I used to have guts but lost many of them in a surgery about 7 years ago.......................right after I got married come to think of it!

[Mossdancer]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, Decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.


"Well,
I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"


The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband," Does she realize that our porch Goes
all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde Came to the door to collect her money.

You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, So
I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's
not a Porch, it's a Lexus"

[El Lobo]

Dali

[useem]

[richied]

Ben and Veda attended the State Fair every year and every year they would walk by the airplane rides and every year, Ben, would ask to ride the plane.Every year ,Veda, would say"no, twenty bucks is twenty bucks.
One year Ben said ,Veda, I'm seventy years old and I might not ever get to ride this here airplane if I don't do it this year.
Again,Veda said I'm sorry Ben but twenty dollars is twenty dollars.
The pilot overheard their conversation as he had for twenty years,and said that he would give them a ride and as long as they didn't utter one word the plane ride would be free,but if they said anything it would cost twenty dollars.
Ben and Veda agreed and climbed on board.The pilot took themm up and did a couple of rollovers and loopty loops.The old couple did'nt say a word so the pilot repeated the looptyloops and rollovers. Still not a word from the old couple.
As they came in for a landing the pilot said"i've got to hand it to you. I tried everything to scare you into talking but you win,the ride is free
Ben replied,"well,when we did that first looptyloop and Veda fell out,I started to say something but twenty dollars is twenty dollars.

[OLDSMOKE]

A PROTON AND A NEUTRON WALK INTO A BAR

THE PROTON SAYS TO THE BARTENDER

DRINKS ARE ON ME AND I GET THE TAB

BARTENDER SAYS, ARE YOU SURE??

PROTON SAYS YEAH I'M POSSITIVE!!!

[Hukk]

Menopausal Women

http://www.ourlighterside.com/videos/me ... ivers.html

[mumblypeg]

[OLDSMOKE]

Scarier than funny HUKK, it is always funny til someone gets hurt, THEN IT IS HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rusty