Hear of a Good One Lately

[Mossdancer]

Some younger folks may not understand. This is the first woman on the moon.
moss

[Mossdancer]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as
he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in
his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders Suddenly she just
stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work
of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two
spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having
any of that broke back mountain crap in our yard.

[JoeDan]

The Height Of Confusion......

Is a Eunuch on Viagra.

[CCBill]

The definition of gross?


A hickey on a hemorrhoid...

[CCBill]

Shopping

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.

”What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.

“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

“Put them back, we can't afford them,” demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.”

[CCBill]

Cannon Balls

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem.
The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four,
resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
And all this time, you thought that was a vulgar expression, didn't you ?

[sunburst]

Cannon Balls

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem.
The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four,
resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
And all this time, you thought that was a vulgar expression, didn't you ?

Ha,ha,ha...That was great Bill....

Sunburst

[MITCH RAPP]

Here's some more Lore to go with Bill's!

Origin of the S word

Ever wonder where the word "s..." comes from. Well here it is:

Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was back then) by ship. In dry form it weighs a lot less, but once water (at sea) hit it. It not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen; methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern. BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure where always stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to "Ship High In Transit." In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Bet you didn't know that one.

Here I always thought it was a golf term.

[Rustle47]

Mitch, you rascal - that's exactly the tale I was going to tell! I was told it was an urban legend, but who cares, it's a cool story.

[MITCH RAPP]

Rustle, you are correct. It is urban legend but it is funny!

[orvet]

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 ( Inappropriate T-Shirts )

The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval installations in the Middle East. (It was obviously directed at the Marines.)

To: All Commands Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts

Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K

All commanders promulgate upon receipt.

The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

1. 'Eat Pork or Die' [both English and Arabic versions]

2.. 'Shrine Busters' [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

3.. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy' [Both English and Arabic versions]

4.. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more.' [Both English and Arabic versions]

5.. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs. ]

6.. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' [Both Arabic and English versions]

7.. 'Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]

8.. 'Infidel' [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.

In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:

1.. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.'

2.. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?'

All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.


Semper Fi,
Dale

[CCBill]

OORAH!!!

[MITCH RAPP]

Telemarketer Prank! Listen to this one it's Hillarious!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26 ... re=related

[carvin don]

[Hukk]

I enjoyed that. I remember around 2001 when the telemarketers were at their worst (so it seems as I recall).

My little trick was that I had a all in one printer, copier, and fax. What the software allowed me to do at dinner time and prime time was to tell the phone line - you are now in fax mode. Any callers got a fax tone and my number was taken removed from their list - automatically. It's costly to call fax numbers time after time and they did actually remove my number instead of selling it to another telemarketer. Also an amp I installed into the fax made it much louder, I had to tweak it down since it was not my intention to damage someones hearing. I had very little trouble with telemarketers. When one did get through, I usually said hang on someone is at the door and set the phone down until I decided to hang up. They probably got a lot of that.

Family/friends used our cell phone. I have heard other stories, but this one is the best!

[johnnierotten]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man,
>> standing alone.
>> She approached him.
>> 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
>> 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
>> 'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
>> most -- cars and men.'
>> 'What's your name?' she asked. He said, 'B. J. Titsenbeer'
>

[sunburst]

Subject: How to tell if you are married

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he asked,

'What's for dinner, Batman?'

[MITCH RAPP]

[sunburst]

RESTROOM SIGNS

Friends don't let friends
Take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE






Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC






If life is a waste of time,
And time is a waste of life,
Then let's all get wasted together
And have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC






Fighting for peace is like
Screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO






No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired
Of putting up with her s....
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC






At the feast of ego
Everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ






It's hard to make a comeback
When you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ






Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT






If voting could really change things,
It would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .






If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC






Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ






You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA






No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA




~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~





A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
You're going to have trouble with it
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX









ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Hukk]

Sign from the Alaskan Park Service

“In light of the rising frequency of human-grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising tourists, hikers, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while traveling this summer. We advise that people wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that are not expecting them. We also advise everyone to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a grizzly. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung: Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has noisy little bells in it and smells like pepper spray. “

[gringo]

good one...thanks

[orvet]

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Chipper, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? ......................................
So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack - he was laughing so hard.


Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.



Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say, and we're working on new ones all the time.

[jonet143]

[sunburst]

[Sauconian]

Near had a stroke myself !

Dale, I wish I could go shopping with you. Alyson sends you alone, doesn't she ?



Fran