Hear of a Good One Lately

[CCBill]

The Duck & the Lawyer

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face -first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."



................................



The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

lol.....don't mess with TEXAS

[Mossdancer]

You probably will be able to use this at one time or another.
moss


Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the NPR radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well , Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!

AMERICA , THE HOME OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!!

[MITCH RAPP]

Saw this one on TV the other day! Costa Rica Swat Team.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAHNXIaN7Ls

[sunburst]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening,when
the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite
some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began
moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across
her shoulders and over her neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the
other,stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed
past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently
over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her
calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the
uppermost portion of her leg.



He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly
stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite
aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was
wonderful.


Why did you stop?'







I found the remote,' he said.

[Knifekid]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching
the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men
walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and
this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral

like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

[jonet143]

[Diligence]

Did y'all hear about the two antennas who met on the roof? Yep, they hit it off real good and got married. The ceremony wasn't too good, but the reception was excellent!

Did y'all hear about the two peanuts who walked into the bar? One of them was a salted!

Grin..
j

[CCBill]

When you're from the country you look at things a little different..........

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and
knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mom here?'

'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'

'He went with Mom and Dad.'

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one
foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know
where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could


take a message fer Dad.'

'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad.


It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about
that', he finally conceded.

'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50
for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

[Sauconian]

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not
sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other
eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he
agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been
summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could
come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

[trlrider77]

[MITCH RAPP]

Speaking of "Hear of Good One Lately" Here's some Good News! It looks like this Idiot has gone to visit his 72 Virgins!

[CCBill]

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

[Diligence]

Teenager says to his Grandmother, "Granny - did you take my pills, they say LSD on them"

Grandmother says, "Screw your pills, have you see the dragons in the kitchen!!!!"

[richied]

A woman walks into a dentist's office and said , Sir I'm in a hurry and need a tooth pulled,I don't have time for novacaine I just need you yo get it out as quickly as possible. The dentist said you'r a very brave lady. Just show me which tooth it is. The woman turned to her husband and said ,open your mouth and show him which tooth it is.

[jonet143]

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her
dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who
owns the dog tied under that tree outside?

The blonde said it was hers.

Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed
her this morning.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'


The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.

[orvet]

This is for all you fellers from Texas.

Young lady was waiting at a bus stop.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she one again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raised her leg with a little smile to driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, ‘How dare you touch my body!
The Texan smiled and drawled, ‘Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda have figured we was friends.’

[orvet]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

'I haven't a clue,' said the rabbi. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

[orvet]

Com'on guys,
In nearly 2 weeks I am the only one who has posted a joke in here.
So unless you just love my jokes (even I don’t), then ya’ better start postin’.
Did ya’ll loose your sense of humor?


How Rednecks get their firewood cut for free.

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil
Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how
he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the
Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

[jonet143]

a blonde has her hair dyed brown. the next day at work everyone made comments about the sudden change and she explained... i'm going to the beach for a week on vacation and i heard blondes are more prone to get skin cancer!

[philco]

Two 'brothers' are riding along in a '97 Cadillac complete with spinner wheels and a neon purple paint job. A cop pulls them over for exceding the speed limit. He asks the driver for license and registration and then proceeds to write out a tiicket for speeding.
When the cop hands the driver the ticket, the driver becomes beligerent and starts cursing and threatening the officer. The cop takes out his night stick, knocks the fire out of the driver three times then tosses the ticket into his lap as he sits there moaning in pain.

The police officer then calmly walks around to the passenger side of the vehicle and taps on the window with his night stick. The passenger, who up to this point has remained silent, rolls down his power window and sarcasticly says "What can I do for you, Mr. Police man?"
Without saying a word, the policeman swings his night stick striking the passenger three times just like he had the driver.

When the stunned passenger recovers enough to speek, he says to the policeman in a pleading and much more humble voice, "Man why did you hit me? I wasn't drivin' and I didn't say a word!"

The cop looks him straight in the eye and says, "I know how you guys are, you wouldn't get two blocks down the street before you would have said, "I wish that mother****er had hit me!"


The moral of this story; Be careful what you wish for!

[CCBill]

...WARNING...
Be careful of some emails circulating on the internet.
If you get one that says,"nude pictures of Sarah Palin", DO NOT open it. It may contain a virus!!
If you get one that says, "nude pictures of Hillary Clinton", DO NOT open it. It MIGHT contain nude pictures of Hillary Clinton!!!








...CCBill...

[philco]

...WARNING...
Be careful of some emails circulating on the internet.
If you get one that says,"nude pictures of Sarah Palin", DO NOT open it. It may contain a virus!!
If you get one that says, "nude pictures of Hillary Clinton", DO NOT open it. It MIGHT contain nude pictures of Hillary Clinton!!!



Now that was funny!!




...CCBill...

[sunburst]

> The Man Rules-------------------
> At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
> Finally , the guys' side of the story.
> ( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
> We always hear 'the rules'
> From the female side.
> Now here are the rules from the male side.
> These are our rules!
> Please note.. These are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!
> 1. Men are NOT mind readers.
>
> 1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
> You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
> We need it up, you need it down.
> You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
>
> 1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon Or the changing of the
> tides. Let it be.
>
> 1. Crying is blackmail.
>
> 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle
> hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
> Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
>
> 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
> question.
>
> 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
> That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>
>
> 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
>
> In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
>
>
> 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
>
> 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of
> the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
>
> 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want
> it done. Not both.
> If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
>
>
> 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do
> we.
>
> 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
> Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
> have no idea what mauve is.
>
> 1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
> We do that.
>
> 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act
> like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
> the hassle.
>
> 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an
> answer you don't want to hear.
>
> 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
> fine.... Really .
>
> 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
> prepared to discuss such topics as Trikes, Trips or anything else we
> would ra ther be doing.
>
>
>
> 1. You have enough clothes.
>
> 1. You have too many shoes.
>
> 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
>
> 1. Thank you for reading this.
> Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
>
>
> But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
>

[Sauconian]

A blond calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."



Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"



The blond says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."



Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.



He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."



He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed ................ "Let's put all of the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[orvet]

"Ask & ye shall receive."
5 new ones in one day!

Thanks guys,
Dale