...JOKE FOR TODAY......

[carrmillus]

...who had more bullets fired at him than any other person in WW2???...answer-WILL!!......."OPEN FIRE!!!...........FIRE AT WILL"!!!......................

[Steve Warden]

Our retort upon hearing, "Fire at Will!" was always, "Poor Will."

[cudgee]

We are in our second bout of lockdown, and we have home schooling where kids have to do their schooling under the supervision of their parent or parents. There is a joke doing the rounds. A kid rings his mum from his bedroom, " Mum i have missed the bus, i wont be at school today".

[carrmillus]

....looks like I hit the "enter" button more than once!!!!............. .................

[Colonel26]

Here’s one from the old Prairie Home Companion that me and the boys listen to when driving.

“What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?”......
“Dam!”

[Gunsil]

I realize home schooling is important these days, but as a friend of mine said, " you can't teach your kid more than you know".

[tallguy606]

Home-schooled kid tells his little brother, in front of Mom, "I sure hope I get a better teacher next year!"

[Gunsil]

Here's a long one. Kid grows up and his father is a minister so the kid wants to follow his dad and goes to seminary school. After the first semester the kid comes home with long hair and tells his dad he needs a car at college. Dad tells him he will have to maintain a good grade point average, get a part time job after school to pay for insurance and cut his hair. Kid comes home after second semester with long hair and says "look dad, I work part time at a pizza place, make enough for car insurance and I have a great grade point average can I have a car now?" Dad says "but you haven't cut your hair!" Kid says "dad, you know I am studying the scriptures and I know that Jesus, Peter, and Paul all had long hair!" Dad looks at the kid and says "did you notice they were all walking?!"

[Mumbleypeg]

After spending a week listening to my 11 year old granddaughter’s jokes, I don’t know how much more of this I can take!

Ken

[tongueriver]

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."


"He had delusions of adequacy ."
Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

[Meridian_Mike]

LOL.....Those are GREAT Cal....

[orvet]

Good ones Cal!
I don't know whether Churchill had honed the insult to a fine art, or if he was just far more quick witted than his peers but he did get off some good ones in his time!

I believe it was Herbert Hoover was campaigning at a whistle stop and the head of cabbage bounced onto the stage and rolled across and off the other side. Hoover didn't miss a beat, his gaze followed the cabbage across the stage and he remarked, "I see one of my opponents has lost his head."

[tongueriver]

Samuel Clemmons used the term 'cabbage head' occasionally. I have a book of his stories that...well... you better use the restroom before you start reading. Best humor I have ever read. A genius in any historical venue. Churchill was a guest somewhere in the U.S. at some point, at a dinner where chicken was served. His stuffy hostess asked him what kind of chicken he wanted and he replied "breast, please, Maam," whereupon she indignantly informed him that "We use the term 'white meat' here in the U.S." The next morning he had a corsage delivered to his gracious hostess with a note "Please pin this to your white meat."

[tongueriver]

My favorite quote of President Abraham Lincoln: "Don't believe everything you read on the internet."

[LongBlade]

Great quotes Cal - and a good laugh ... Samuel Clemens house is an hour north of us in Hartford - we've been up there a few times - pretty cool...

[orvet]

Cal, another good to read is "A Fine and Pleasant Misery" by Patrick McManus. I believe he used to write humor for Outdoor Life. Other classics he has written include, "Never Sniff a Gift Fish," "They Shoot Canoes Don't They," as well as many many more. He grew up in Northern Idaho and passed away a couple years ago in Spokane. He was a native Northwesterner. Great humor, I imagine you probably read some of his books.

[tongueriver]

Cal, another good to read is "A Fine and Pleasant Misery" by Patrick McManus. I believe he used to write humor for Outdoor Life. Other classics he has written include, "Never Sniff a Gift Fish," "They Shoot Canoes Don't They," as well as many many more. He grew up in Northern Idaho and passed away a couple years ago in Spokane. He was a native Northwesterner. Great humor, I imagine you probably read some of his books.

Yeah, I read them all and also on the back page of Outdoor Life as they appeared. That is where I learned the critical value of 'hunkering.'

[Gunsil]

My favorite quote of President Abraham Lincoln: "Don't believe everything you read on the internet."

I thought he said "everything you read on the internet is true"!

[carrmillus]

Cal, another good to read is "A Fine and Pleasant Misery" by Patrick McManus. I believe he used to write humor for Outdoor Life. Other classics he has written include, "Never Sniff a Gift Fish," "They Shoot Canoes Don't They," as well as many many more. He grew up in Northern Idaho and passed away a couple years ago in Spokane. He was a native Northwesterner. Great humor, I imagine you probably read some of his books.

....dale, I read all of his books several years ago, they are all great!!!!............... ................

[Mumbleypeg]

I’m a big fan of Bill Heavey. When a newissue of Field & Stream arrives in the mail the first thing I do is open it to,the last page and read Bill Heavey’s column. He is a master of self-deprecating humor and sarcasm (see the quote in my signature). He’s also featured in a number of YouTube videos, telling short, usually poignant and humorous stories. And he has several books, which are compilations of articles he has written.

Ken