Hear of a Good One Lately

[Sauconian]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Randy standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up,
Stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Randy.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?'
The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.





Finally, little Randy's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'

[orvet]

ROFLMAO

I think I was at that service!

[carvin don]

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

[mumblypeg]

Now that's funny. I nearly spewed soda through my nose when I read that one. Thanks Don.

[CCBill]

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks,
but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive
situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:

American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.

Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can,

hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.

You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today,
and millions were wiped clean. It's a tough market out there. Be careful!

[sunburst]

DRUNK PUMPKINS

[Sauconian]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning. .



Today you voted.'

[Hukk]

A Nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

[Gunsmoke47]

..... .....

[MITCH RAPP]

[CCBill]

Subj: Poor Grandpa...

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grand mother to
visit his grand father. When they get to the hospital, he
runs ahead of his grand mother and bursts into his grandpa's
room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "As soon
as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said his grandpa. "Make a noise like a
frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're
all going to Disneyland !!!"
...CCBill...

[johnnierotten]

good one,CCBill!!

Did you know Santa Claus has a sick sense of humor??...I wrote and asked him last year for a Black Hummer with a lot of chrome....I ended up with a Black hooker with braces!!

[CCBill]

DANG, JR... Happened to you TOO?????
...CCBill...

[johnnierotten]

Yep..ers!!

[CCBill]

Larry LaPrise Dead at 93
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The Hokie Pokey'
died peacefully at
the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

[johnnierotten]

[Mossdancer]

Never waste condescension on youth. They may know far more than suspected:

A STRANGER WAS SEATED NEXT TO A LITTLE GIRL ON THE AIRPLANE
WHEN THE STRANGER TURNED TO HER AND SAID, 'LET'S TALK'. I'VE HEARD
THAT FLIGHTS GO QUICKER IF YOU STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR
FELLOW PASSENGERS. THE LITTLE GIRL, WHO HAD JUST OPENED HER BOOK, CLOSED IT SLOWLY AND SAID TO THE STRANGER, 'WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO TALK ABOUT?
'OH I DON'T KNOW.' SAID THE STRANGER. 'HOW ABOUT NUCLEAR POWER?' AND
HE SMILES. 'OK,' SHE SAID. 'THAT COULD BE AN INTERESTING TOPIC. BUT LET ME ASK
YOU A QUESTION FIRST. A HORSE, A COW AND A DEER ALL EAT THE SAME STUFF-
GRASS - YET A DEER EXCRETES LITTLE PELLETS, WHILE A COW TURNS OUT A FLAT PATTY, AND A HORSE PRODUCES CLUMPS OF DRIED GRASS. WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE THIS IS?
THE STRANGER, VISIBLY SURPRISED BY THE LITTLE GIRL'S INTELLIGENCE,
THINKS ABOUT IT AND SAYS, 'HMMM, I HAVE NO IDEA.' TO WHICH THE LITTLE GIRL REPLIES,
'DO YOU REALLY FEEL QUALIFIED TO DISCUSS NUCLEAR POWER WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW CRAP?

[MITCH RAPP]

Doesn't know s... from Shinola

Meaning

Possessing poor judgment or knowledge.

Origin

Shinola was a brand of shoe polish previously manufactured in the USA. The alliteration and the fact that the two commodities in the phrase could possibly be confused is the derivation. The distinction is well made; only one of them would be good to apply to your shoes and only particularly dim people could be expected to muddle them up. Of course, outside America, most people don't know Shinola from anything at all, as they've never heard of it. Even in America it would probably not be widely remembered but for this phrase.

The 'ola' suffix is popular in the USA as part of trade names, e.g. Crayola, Granola etc. This leads to the pronunciation of Shinola as shine + ola. That spoils the alliteration a little as it would work better as shin + ola.

This phrase is typical of the barrack room vulgarity of WWII, which is where it originated. Other "doesn't know" phrases, also mostly from the military are, "doesn't know his arse from a hole in the ground" (or elbow, or a hot rock, or third base), "doesn't know enough to pee downwind", "doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass". The tone is lifted a little by the English conductor Sir Henry Wood who expressed a similar opinion with "he doesn't know his brass from his woodwind".

[jonet143]

illustrated

[carvin don]

[sunburst]

Great Stuff!!!!

[Mossdancer]

WARNING "THOSE WITH WEAK HEARTS PLEASE HAVE YOUR NITRO CLOSE IF YOU INSIST ON READING THIS'. You are probably going to laugh. HARD!!!!
moss


Electric fence/ This is too funny,Must read.



We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric
fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got
the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.
I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the
fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears
curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time.
I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like
exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through
the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of
gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleee eze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle
nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).


3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.



The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[mumblypeg]

ROFLMAO!!

[justold52]

Electric fence/ This is too funny,Must read....

[philco]

I would have posted this yesterday, but I could not stop laughing!!!!