Hear of a Good One Lately

[Ringmaster]

Where can you find a man with no arms and no legs ?? Right where you left him....

The police down here arrested a cross-eyed man, on suspicion of burglary. They said he just "looked" crooked.

My wife and I had to get re-married. Our divorce didn't work out.

I believe in reincarnation, seriously. I'm just afraid to try it out.

This old woman had two chickens - but one of 'em got sick. So, she killed the other one to make soup, so the first one could get well.

Yeah, I like cornball, too !
JR

[justacowboy]

three guys walk into a bar ..... the forth guy ducked.

[Diligence]

Did you hear about the bear that walked into the bar.

He went up to the bar and told the bartender that he wanted a gin................................................................................................................................................................................................and tonic.

Bartender says, "why the big pause?"
Bear says, "oh these, had them my whole life"....

hardy har.
j

[Classic Case]

You hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?,......he's all right.

[justacowboy]

A biker was out riding his Harley down by the beach when he spots a beautiful woman
riding by in a Mercedes convertible.
She pulls into a parking spot ,so he pulls up next to her on his bike.He figures she's way
out of his league ,but still worth a shot. As he's climbing off his bike she glances over and at that moment sneezes. Her glass eye flies out and he reaches out and catches it. He walks over and hands it to her. Blushing with embarrassment , she pops it back in and thanks him.Then she says follow me ,and takes him home to her mansion and makes wild passionate love to him till he falls asleep from exhaustion. Wakes in the morning and she makes love to him all over again , then runs to the kitchen and comes back and serves him breakfast in bed.
Finally ,he confesses that when he saw her he thought she was beautiful,but didn't think he'd have a chance .He asks her if she always picks up bikers and treats them to this kind ecstacy ?
She smiles and relies ...............




no ,you just happened to catch my eye.

[Mossdancer]

A little one.
moss



Ole and Sven were fishing on the Michigan opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.



'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere ! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.


The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.


Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

[gmusic]

LOL.................................................ROFLMAO!

[BigMick]

Now dat is vunny!!!!!!!!!

[Diligence]

oooof-Da-may....as my Norwegian Mother would say! That was a good one.

J

[orvet]

Dat vas a goot von!

[carvin don]

Ole is a farmer in Wisconsin who needs a new milk cow.
He hears about a nice one for sale over in Saskatchewan, so he drives to Saskatchewan, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.
Ole is very surprised, so he looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. But milk comes out, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and takes it home.
He calls his neighbor, Sven, over and says, "Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "I bet you bought dis cow in Saskatchewan, yah?"
Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dat's right. But how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Saskatchewan"

[BIGHEAD]

[orvet]

IRS decides to audit Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite
my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned
auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee
into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere
in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt,
so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's
desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand
dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that
you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

[Mossdancer]

A predicament
moss


This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman
In a brand new Cadillac

Doing 75 mph
With her
Face up next to her
rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
for a couple seconds!

And when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.


As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much
I dropped
My electric shaver,
which knocked
The donut
Out of my other hand.
In all
the confusion of trying
to straighten out the car
using my knees against
the steering wheel,
it knocked
my cell phone
away from my ear,
which fell,
into the coffee
between my legs,
splashed,
and burned
Big Harry and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone,
soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an
important call.

[justold52]

ARE YOU saying she has more talant than you do DRIVING ?...

[Mossdancer]

No, I don't have a cell phone. When I have need to talk I don't want to use a product that drops calls fades in and out etc. Just old fashioned I guess.
moss

[Mossdancer]

If this sounds familiar National Mental Health Week is coming soon.
moss

Elderly Road Trip ...

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

[sunburst]

Does this sound familiar to what is currently going on...

Sunburst

[Gunsmoke47]

Bout fell outta my chair!



They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

[carvin don]

There are some gems in there Gunsmoke

[Diligence]

......re Saskatchewan...too funny as I'M FROM there too!!!!!!

[Mossdancer]

A bit risque but, a bit funny also.
moss


A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring
around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they
passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican
accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, "I have some special
sandals I tink you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at
sex.

"The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the
husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the shopkeeper,
"How could sandals make you into a sex freak?

"The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do
nutting cept try dem on.

"So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave
in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got
this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many
years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,
bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down
his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming,
"You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon, you got dem on da wrong feet!"...

[Mossdancer]

For all:
moss



Bubba Had Shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!

Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"

[justold52]

You said it RIGHT this time.

physicians are running their practices like an assembly line.

More that they see the more MONEY they make....$$$$$$$

[CCBill]

Subject: Fw: Horrible Scam. This is SERIOUS!!!

Be Careful - A 'heads up' for those men who may
be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I
became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply,
going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it
couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car
as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both
start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with
their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say
'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home
Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way,
they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the
front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other
one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the
15th, 17th, 20th &24th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on
the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 24th, three times last Saturday and
very likely again this upcoming weekend.


So tell your friends to be careful.
...CCBill...